Revenge of the Budgerigars

I read a news item about some creeps who did some cruel things to small animals, including a budgie (a.k.a. parakeet). The budgie part upset me the most. They're adorable. So playful, curious and colorful. Someone hurt one for fun? I don't get it.
I read about another budgie with a bad eye and a bad foot. He was found in a trash can. Tossed like living garbage. (The good news is this one now has a safe home.)
It's unfair that such small, good natured creatures are treated like that.

What would happen if budgies were big? The size of polar bears?

They'd still be playful, curious and colorful, but if I got too close, I'd be a chew toy.
Too bad they can't automatically resize when mistreated. That'd solve a lot of problems.

Rivals

A few weeks back I mentioned how my college paper cartoon ran next to one done by someone who became a Pulitzer Prize winning cartoonist. Me? I sold a cartoon to Bird Talk magazine once.

This weekend I was eating out with my folks when, up on the T.V. screen, I see an old childhood pal playing professional beach volleyboll. I look her up and sure enough, she's rolling in the dough, earning medals left and right, including an olympics medal. Me? I won a blue ribbon at the orange county fair when I was a kid. Some kind of drawing contest. I was the only one in my age group who entered.

The trick is who I compare myself too. When I compare myself to contemporaries who got famous I feel like a loser. When I compare myself to contemporaries who dropped out of school, live in their parents' garage and work the fry basket, I feel better

Out of Order.

I had three work-in-progress pics that I planned to complete and post this weekend. Nothing like a long weekend to catch up on things, kick back and draw.

Except...

1. Corel Painter suddenly won't open.

2. I'm out of town so I can't reinstall it until later this week.

The only art software here is an ancient Photoshop hack. It's so old I'm surprised it's not on a wax cylinder (I have a spiffy up-to-date, authorized version at home). There's also these tools I vaguely remember called "a pencil" and "paper."

Minor problems like this tend to work out for the best. A few weeks back my original "Militant Slug" picture got corrupted and had to be redrawn. The new pic was much better than the original. Chaos is my friend.

Doodle Gal

This week's Drawing Board topic is "Yourself as an Action Figure."
When I was a kid, I preferred stuffed animals over dolls. I did have a Bat Girl and a Barbie. Barbie was boring. As empty as her vinyl head. Bat Girl was flexible and could grip things, so she could have adventures.

Splash Screen

I have to be vague about what it's a splash screen for, except that it's something I did as a goof.
It's a Chinese Crested dog. They range in looks from cute to scary.
More on the scary dog here and here.

Note added 10/12/06
This page gets far more traffic than any of the others. My site counter says it's something to do with a Google image search, but I don't have the details.

L.A.: The Good, the Bad & the Smoggy

What I like and dislike about my hometown, Los Angeles:

Good:
More diverse than E-bay!
Cool sounding names like "Cuhanga" and "Topanga!"
Neon!
Funky goofy shops, cafes, galleries.
Googie!
Big Donuts!
Hollywood!
Disneyland! (ok, it's one county over)
Bungalows!


Could be Better:
Traffic. Words Fail.
Sprawl- Everything's spread out- it can take two hours or more to get from one end of town to the other.
Public Transportation (better in Santa Monica and Culver city).
Older architecture, even famous places, typically razed instead of preserved.
Earthquakes (though I'd rather shovel my apartment every 10 years than shovel snow all winter).
Trees and shrubs typically the color of Hefty Bags.
That concert hall* looks like wreckage.
No cardinals.**


*Normally I like goofy buildings, but this one has a cold, aloof vibe. Each time I see it I get flashbacks of getting cut on the jagged lid of a can. It looks somewhat better at night.
**They were introduced here but I've never seen one!

Dreamland

This week's Drawing Board topic: "Sleepwalking".
I figured a dreamlike offering was close enough. The result is kinda scrambled- more like some high end doodles that don't quite gel together. I'd play with it more but the deadline is today.
The two headed creature in the upper left corner came from a dream.

She Reminds Me of You

Cute Fleischer cartoon from the thirties. Not as wacky as Snow White or Minnie the Moocher, but still fun. I particularly like the final gag.

Quasi at the Quackadero

Whoohoo! I scored two sweet backgrounds from from this 1975 cult cartoon. It's one of my all time favorites. If you've never seen it, stop what you're doing and watch it. It's one of those cartoons where the animator (Sally Cruikshank) really takes advantage of the medium: Inanimate objects come to life and talk, backgrounds morph before your eyes, plus assorted crazy and funny details and gags. One background is visible at the six minute mark (the hallway with the rainbow molding), the other is the end title card.
I haven't been so excited about something I bought for a long time.

Evil Pet Tricks

Click cartoon for larger version .

That reminds me...

Years ago I worked at a pet store where a Severe Macaw watched me sweep around his perch with great interest. As soon as I put the broom down he'd swipe his beak across his food dish to send a new shower of food over the floor. He thought it was a game!

Legible Cow

"Legible Cow" was the Drawing Board topic this week...

1988- My First Published Cartoon

The strip on top is mine. It ran in my college paper (The Highlander, U.C. Riverside). Not sure why I called the thing "Lost In America". There was a movie with the same title. I never saw it.
The cat was named Flick and his nemesis was the rodent creature, who was always driving him crazy with stupid questions. I was proud of it at the time but now it looks very crude to me.
I included the stip under it because it was done by another student, Steve Breen, who became a Pulitzer Prize winning editorial cartoonist.
As for me, I dabbled in cartoons on and off (mostly off) until I cooked up this blog.

The Fantastic Deep Fat Fryer

Another Drawing Board offering. This week's subject was "Your Favorite Fat Superhero".
After toying with such ideas as "Suet Man", "The Avenging Elephant Seal" and "The Great Grease Clot," I went with the fryer.
Time was tight this week, thus the lack of shading and the blooper.

Table Manners

Click cartoon for larger image

Talk-o-doodle-doo

Working overtime this week and last week, which means less time for the blog for now. Ah well, it beats being unemployed.

Militant Slugs!

My latest drawing board offering.
Web research done for this cartoon proved interesting. According to Google, every demographic you can imagine is "tired of being stepped on."

Sleep Streaking!

Ever wake up with your pajamas missing?
At first I thought they were on the floor. It was warm last night. I'd probably taken them off in my sleep. Except they weren't on the floor or anywhere in the guest bedroom at my parent's house. After a ten minute search I gave up. I grabbed my shirt and jeans to hide my top and dashed to the bathroom.
My pajamas were on the bathroom counter. Huh?
I wasn't exactly partying last night. I went to bed early. What was going on?
Then the obvious hit me. I have sleep disorders. Usually this means nightmares, waking dreams and thrashing around. Sometimes I'll go for a walk. I don't remember doing so, but the next morning I'll wake up to find a light on or crumbs in the kitchen. Once I woke up with orange fingers- apparently I'd broken into the Kim Chee and didn't bother with a fork*. What class.**
I'm not sure what I was up to last night, but evidence suggests it involved walking around my parents house in my friggin' underwear! Again, such class! Thank goodness I wasn't caught. I guess I'll need to tether myself to the bed post.

* No, I don't take Ambian

**It could be worse- I hear some people do wackier things in their sleep, like eating garbage or going for a drive. I await the day I wake up topless at the wheel with a half can of dog food, trying to explain myself to the police officer.

The Coolest Pet

This week the theme at the Drawing Board is "The Coolest Pet". This took me a long time to draw and I think it's too stiff. That's me in the howda. I ditched the goose incarnation this once because some of the Drawing Board participants don't know about my blog .

Storytelling

I have several cartoons pending, but overtime at work, unexpected delays, and the new Harry Potter book are slowing me down.
I think the Harry Potter books owe much of their success to J.K. Rowling's ability to tell a good story. Even before the last book was released she hinted that she'd kill off more main characters, possibly Harry too. That's good storytelling. Even before you open the book you're thinking: Who dies? Does Harry get killed? How? When?
Compare her to a lesser known storyteller whom who recently announced who he was going to kill off and how it would happen. Why the specifics? Who wants to read the series if we already know who gets killed and how it happens? I don't get it.

Giant Green Potato

Click image for larger view.

Giraffes Gone Wild

For a good time, visit The Drawing Board, an new picture blog my artist pals put together. Each week there's a new theme- this week was "Mutant Infested Zombie Giraffes" and we post are take on it. Note that most (perhaps all) of the others are professional animators and thus kick my butt artistically.
Inspiration to whip out the ol' sketch book and practice more.

Who are the Triton Brothers?

click the cartoon for a bigger version

Triton is Neptune's largest moon and really has a backward orbit compared to Neptune's orbit.
p.s.
Update:
Shortly after I posted this, a flap came up in England when, as a movie promotion, a giant drawing of Homer Simpson appeared next to the ancient Cerne Abbas Giant.* Local pagans were outraged.
Another case of crassness perceived as blasphemy.

*Unlike similar hillside carvings, the Giant is believed to be only about 400 years old. One theory is that it's a goof on Oliver Cromwell (garbed up as Hercules). If that's true, than both the Giant and Homer are satirical cartoons!

Just the Fax, Ma'am

Click cartoon for larger image

Death of a Mud Dauber

The wasp had to go. His rap sheet had multiple counts of sneaking in to my parent's house and constructing mud nests by the front door. I was visiting that weekend. My assignment: Execute it. I pleaded for leniency, but my folks said no. They didn't want to confront him and his potential offspring each time they stepped outside. I was to find him. And kill him.
This proved difficult. I swear he* knew what a can of Raid looked like. He flew off whenever it was handy. Each time I put the can away her returned, bumping into the glass door as if to taunt me.
Time to get tough. I found a fly swatter and stormed outside. He was going down. We played chicken for a minute. I caught him on a flat surface and SMACK!
I peered at his battered body, crumpled except for a stinger that whirled like a chameleon eye, desperate inflict revenge. I felt sorry for the little guy. He couldn't help being a wasp. I admired his form. Delicate, streamline, sporty. Art Nouveau with a stinger. One less thing of beauty in the world thanks to me.
Then I remembered that if I were his size, he'd have paralyzed me with his venom and let his kids eat me alive.
I left his body the ants and went inside.

*more likely, a she since it was building a nest

Bone vs. Bonehead

click cartoon for larger view

I like the expressions on Thycho (the runty guy). Vespa (the other one) looks stiff. A cartooning book I read said "Don't kid yourself: If it's bad draw it over!" I spend half of my cartooning time redrawing what doesn't work. I hope it will get easier with practice.

The Martians VIII

Click cartoon for larger view.



I showed this to two people before posting it. One thought it was funny, the other said they didn't get it.

The Martians VII

Click image for a larger view



It's tricky for me to make this stuff look balanced and eye-friendly using just black and white. It's gonna take practice to get it right.
I considered making the sky black in the final panel (it would look better that way) but didn't want to rip off "Krazy Kat".

Schmicarus, Schmicarus, Where Are You?

Remember the story about Icarus? His dad crafted some strap-on wings. When Icarus took them for a spin, Dad warned him to stay away from the sun. Icarus ignored the warning and flew too high. The sun's heat melted the wax that held the wings together. They fell apart. Icarus fell to his death.
Everyone said Icarus was a dumbass who ignored danger and got what he deserved.
I'll add a detail to the myth. Icarus had a twin brother named Schmicarus. Shimicarus was a responsible fellow who passed on the chance to try the wings because it looked risky. Besides, he had to weed his potato* patch that day. While he was working in the field, his brother fell from the sky, crash landing on him at terminal velocity.
Everyone said Schmicarus was dumbass who ignored danger and got what he deserved. "Why didn't he get out of the way?" they said. "He knew his family was flying around in the first place. Duh!"
Why were they so hard on him? Because it's easier to twist someone's misfortune into a morality play than accept the fact that horrific things can happen to anyone.
Here's a chart with some examples. Heard any of this before?

Misfortune		Why victim "deserved it":
Home destroyed by natural disaster		"Everyone knows that area has floods( or fires, or tornadoes, or hurricanes, or earthquakes, or tsunamis, or landslides) What idiot builds a house there?"
Mugged		"What was she doing in that neighborhood?" or "Why was he walking alone at that time of night"
Tripped on the sidewalk, sprained ankle		"Why didn't he watch where he was going?"
Serious Illness		"That's what you get for eating meat (or processed foods, or non-organic, or dairy, or not taking vitamins) or "She must have done something wrong." or "He didn't think positive thoughts."

For more examples, check the comment section of any online news story about disaster and misfortune. Be it an accident, a disease, assault or a swarm of killer bees, there's always some jerk who claims the victim brought it on himself. I guess the world seems safer that way.

p.s.

Within ten minutes of contemplating this irony and how it can lead to obnoxious statements, I read about a rock climbing accident in the paper and...


Maybe I should draw myself as the back end of a horse.

*potatoes are from South America and were thus unknown to Ancient Greece, but I'm the story teller here. The original Icarus story has him doing his splashdown in the Icarian sea, by the way.

The Martians VI

Click cartoon for larger image.

For this one the catch was to use strict black and white, with no gray scale.

Click it for a larger version.

Looks a bit derivative of Bill Watterson's Calvin & Hobbes, but I wasn't trying to rip him off.

Not Again!

My mom's back in the hospital. She and my dad were on vacation in Las Vegas when she had strokelike symptoms again. The last time this happened it turned out to be "only" a seizure and she was discharged the next day. She'd recently stopped taking her seizure meds because she didn't like the side effects. Whoops. My brother and dad and I talked and the plan is for me to wait until they know for sure what's going on.
I hate waiting.
The whole stroke ordeal was like a bomb going off. She was in remarkable good health last November until the stroke struck. Like a rug being pulled. Ever since I've been nervous about what the future holds. Even the calendar displays at the book store make me nervous. It reminds me that the future is coming. Who knows what it holds?

24 hours later update:
Yep, it seems to have been another seizure. The good news is she should recover within weeks, being much better within days (a stroke takes much longer and damage can be permanant.) The hospital sprung her and she's on her way back to Los Angeles.

The Martians V

Click image for larger view.


I find it trickier to work in gray scale than in color- I often use gaudy colors as a crutch to make a mediocre drawing more eye friendly. So I did this as a challenge. When I was done I discovered this probably should have been done in greens instead of gray. Oh well. Check back for a photoshopped version.

Martians IV

More Martian fun.

The Fountian Crashers

I sunk fifty bucks into a fountain for my birdbath.

Splashing water attracts birds. Would this bring more visitors?

I installed it early one morning, before work. I returned home anxious to see what, if anything, had been enticed to the fountain. Would the bath be full of birds? Perhaps new species which had never swung by before? What awaited?

Here's what awaited.

It had been such a hit that the birds had splashed most of the water out. They knocked the fountain over, causing it to run dry. Running dry killed the motor.

They broke it.

Who knew something could work so well and so badly at the same time?

Martians III

Click for a larger, easier to read version.
The opening panel is a homage to Aufstieg und Fall der Stadt Mahagonny,
a lesser known opera I like. It begins with troublemakers (on the run from the cops) finding themselves stranded in the desert when their truck breaks down.
That reminds me- ever notice how the difference between "homage" or "tribute" and "blatant rip off" is based on how much your critics like or dislike your material?

The Martians, Part II

Here's my second attempt at the Martians.
Click it to enlarge.
I'm maybe 90% happy with the cartooning.
I wanted more detail inside the ship, but found it too distracting.
I like science, but haven't read much on science fiction. I hope the gag isn't a cliche from the genre.

Scam a Star after You (part One)

That "Name a Star after a Loved One" add on the radio annoys me.


Here's why.


The company,(which I'll call International AstroFraud Registry) probably chose their name because it sounds like the International Astronomical Union. The later determines the official star names, recognized by scientists around the world. AstroFraud's names are only recognized by AstroFraud.


Here's how Astrofraud works. You pay them some dough, give them a name, and they pick some faint star which

1. Already has a name (which won't be replaced by yours)


2. Is usually too faint to see with the naked eye
   

They give you a star map with "your" star circled on it, and the name is stored in a self-published book they crank out. For some extra money, you can buy the book. They have the nerve to brag:

"Because these star names are copyrighted with their telescopic coordinates in the book, [Our Self-Published AstroFraud Directory], future generations may identify the star name in [Our Self-Published AstroFraud Directory]and, using a telescope, locate the actual star in the sky."

As you probably guessed, no astronomer uses their book for a reference. You won't find it an any bookstore or planetarium gift shop either.

"So?" people tell me. "Why are you getting your binocular strap in a twist for? It's just for fun."

Here's why it bugs me.

1. It's misleading. People think they're really naming the star when they're not
2. It promotes ignorance. O.K., maybe it's not as stupid as Bigfoot or the Bermuda Triangle, but people shouldn't have bogus ideas about how stars are named.
3. It's awkward for planetarium workers.

As this source explains:

Most observatories and planetaria, for example, get calls or visits from people wanting to see the star they "named". Of course, the institution could refuse to help them and just tell the truth, ("Sorry, this certificate is in no way valid. No private company has the authority to name stars.") but what if the star was "named" for a dead child? Suddenly, one is placed in the position of either telling them the truth and breaking their hearts, or going along with their request, showing them the star, not saying anything, and becoming silent partners with the star-namers. Many see this as an ethical dilemma. It can be quite upsetting to the astronomer who has to deal with it.
Sometimes the people who pay to have a star "named" think that astronomers or planetarians are somehow obligated to show them these stars, and become angry if they cannot be found. After all, if the star name is really "official," then the astronomer should be able to show it to you, right? Then one is placed in a different sort of uncomfortable situation. Sometimes nothing can be said or done to mollify such a deceived individual. See this personal website for one such story.

There's another reason International AstroFraud Registry annoys me, but that's for another post.

In the meantime, maybe I'll start a "Rename a Celebrety for a Loved one" scheme. You'll get an 8x10 glossy of some B-list celebrity and your chosen name will be copyrighted along with his agent's fax number in our self-published directory...

The Martians

For variety I'm going to post a comic strip about Martians now and then.

I'm not 100% satisfied with how this turned out- it's doesn't look professional to me.

Then agian, I'm not getting paid for this and maybe I'll get better with practice.

Disqualifying the Positive

In logic it's known as the "Special Pleading Fallacy". In cognitive psychology it's called "Disqualifying the positive". I don't know the Latin name, but Argumentum YouCan'tBeFreakingSeriousum would suffice.

Ever have a conversation like this?

Details have been changed, the attitudes have not.


Ingrate: Ya know Lassie? That dog is out to get me.



Me: Huh? She just rescued you when you fell through the ice.



Ingrate: She should have rescued me before I fell in the ice.



Me: How was she supposed to know it would break? It didn't help that you were jumping up and down on the cracked part right before you broke through.



Ingrate: She ruined my new scarf when she pulled me out of the water.


Me: Was she supposed to leave you? What did you expect ?



Ingrate: She could have found a St. Bernard or something.



Me:What?! Lassie risked her life to save yours and you're complaining?



Ingrate: Why do you always stick up for Lassie? You're on Lassie's side!




Maddening.

While I'm at it I might as well ram a cocktail fork in my ear and argue politics on the Internet.

Ever have this Conversation?

Ever have this conversation? Details have been changed. The fear and frustration remains.

Me: Your chair! It's smoldering!

Someone I Care About: No it isn't.

Me: I see flames! Don't you see them? Can't you smell it? Get up! Quick!
Someone I Care About: It's nothing.

Me: Nothing!? Your chair is on fire! Get up!

Someone I Care About: It'll go out by itself.

Me: Are you nuts? You'll get burned! You'll asphyxiate! Get up!

Someone I Care About: Now you're calling me nuts? Thanks a lot! Some friend you are!

When did my life turn into a crash between a bad soap opera and a Monty Python skit?

Blogging

"Blog" is a funny word. It sounds purple, slimy, possibly contagious.
If, twenty years ago, someone said I'd have a blog by 2007, I'd want to know whether the surgeons were able to remove it all.
"Blogging" is a funny word too. Out of context it sounds crude, perhaps illegal. Something involving blunt equipment and substance abuse. Like playing polo in a swamp with a bowling ball under the influence of yak tranquillizers. As in "Police have busted a blogging ring in Florida..."
Blogging ring. While looking for one I found The Link and Blog Challenge. It's a clever idea. Instead of just collecting and sorting blogs, it encourages users to interact and link to each other.
Here's an example on how it works: Suppose I discover a Challenge member who writes about his job as a crocodile wrangler. His blog inspires me to write blog about croc wrangling (and how I'd probably get killed if I dabbled in it. )It's win-win. I get material, he gets publicity. My first challenge? Write an entry about blogging.
Why do I blog? Many reasons. I like to write and draw. Someone with similar interests (or experiences) may enjoy it. My friends claim it's amusing. The blog itself is a friend, listening to my rants, opinions, and ideas.

Finally, blogging feeds my inner narcissist- that shameless "Hey everybody! Look at me!" slice of my ego. But that's just me...

Words Appear, Words Vanish

My last entry mentioned a "possessed" kid whom I thought was faking. I (and others before me) thought he was jiggling the bed, throwing things, tipping furniture, and doing the bad language bit. No supernatural assistance required.
But, what about the witnesses who saw words appear on his skin?
How could he fake that?
It's easy.
Scratched skin takes twenty to forty seconds to turn pink.
I originally included some tips on how to etch a short lived note on your palm (without causing an injury). This was followed with instructions on how to use this schtick to freak out your friends.
Then I feared they would be misconstrued by some idiot as instructions for carving himself up like a scored ham and I'd get blamed.
I can hear the prosecuting attorney now:
"This monster, Namowal, deliberately lures innocent children with cute pictures, then leads the poor lambs down the road to satanic mutilation..." Bleh.
I removed the instructions and replaced them with an idiot proof plan:
If you want to have a message appear on your skin, buy a tube of "mood" lipstick at the drug store and use it as your pen. It goes on clear then turns pink as it reacts to the pH of your skin.
Good luck with washing it off.

Exorcism! Booga Booga!

I don't believe in demonic possession, but I can understand why people dreamed up the notion. Before we knew about mental illness, Tourette's , epilepsy, sleep disorders (and in some cases, acting out for attention), it seemed the best explanation. Fred is cursing, talking nonsense and being unFredlike? Some other entity must be manipulating him.

Science has sniffed out non-supernatural explanations for weird and obnoxious behavior, but some people still believe.

Peter Blatty's famous book, The Exorcist, boasts: "Based on a True Story."

Was it? Sorta.

There was an exorcism or two performed on a boy in 1949. The operative word here is "performed," as I don't think any demons got the boot. Details can be found here, but in a nutshell it seems the kid was scratching walls, shaking the bed, throwing things and acting nasty. On his own.

It's interesting that demons or "Satan Himself" get credit for possessions. Satan's a bad guy, right? Evil personified. So when he takes over a kid's body, is he killing people? Lighting fires? Robbing banks? Blowing up buildings?

No, he's busy scratching a wall and shouting bad words. Amateur.

My two theories on this.

1. Satan is, in fact, a bratty preschooler.

2. (More likely) Demonic possession is hooey.

Note: Ironically, as I drew the Captain Howdy in Diapers pic, a radio show I was listening to unexpectedly jumped into a segment with music from the famous movie. Coincidence? Probably. I'd be more impressed if the computor monitor started spinning.

Customer Service

The plan was to spend my vacation sipping tea and watching finches and jays.
I bought bird feeder. Online. It came equipped with a squirrel deterrent that zapped them with a mild shock. Except the shocker didn't work. I switched batteries, reread the instructions, tinkered and swore. No shock.
I called customer service. That, like the feeder, didn't work.
For clarity I'll rewrite the conversation as if the item in question was a blender.

Namowal: The SuperBlend2000 isn't working. I flip the switch and the blades don't move

Next Available Service Representative: Did you plug it in?

Namowal: Yes

Next Available Service Representative: Did you turn it on?

Namowal: Yes

Next Available Service Representative: Did you charge the battery for twelve hours? Did you extend the antenna?

Namowal: It doesn't come with a battery charger or an antenna.

Next Available Service Representative: Did you chop a cup of strawberries in it?

Namowal: Of course not. The blades don't move. The moter doesn't run.

Next Available Service Representative: Try chopping up a cup of strawberries.

Namowal: That won't work. The blades don't move.

Next Available Service Representative: Maybe it looks like they don't move but if you threw some strawberries in there they'd blend up into a smoothie...

Why I didn't get snippy with her (or start screaming) I'll never know.
I do know that I have an expensive appliance that doesn't work from a company that insults my intelligence when I complain.
The new plan is to spend my vacation sipping tea and watching squirrels

Amoeba Schoolteacher

Some coworkers have a bulletin board inviting others to make a drawing based on the theme "Amoeba Schoolteacher".
Here's my offering. Had to make it grey scale for printing purposes, as this was done on a tablet pc.
I need more grey scale practice. It looked good to me last night. Now it looks flat. Not enough contrast.

Goat & Monkey Eviction

My friends swear by astrology. I think it's hooey. Stars and planets are neat, but I can't see them calling the shots. How could they? Some say that we are affected by their gravitational force. I suppose if Jupiter were three feet away, said gravitational force (and radiation, temperature and chemical issues) would alter my day. But it's way the heck out there. 500+ million miles away. I bet my keyboard stronger gravitational tug on me.
It bothered me that my blogger profile had not only my astrological sign (Capricorn), but my Chinese astrological sign (Monkey). Anyone clicking my profile gets a "Hi I'm Namowal! I'm a Capricorn! I'm born in the Year of the Monkey! I take this stuff seriously!" message.
The other day I discovered I could lose the hocus pocus elements if I removed my birthday from my profile.
Bye Monkey. Bye Freaky Water Goat. Don't let the delete button hit you on the way out.

On the Floor Again

It happened again.
I was chatting with a coworker when the blood left my heed like water in a fleshing toilet (complete with the "whoosh! "noise). The room faded, as did my friend's voice...
"Hold it, I need to sit down," I interrupted.
"Exactly!" said my friend, "I was telling them that I really needed to sit down and... hey? You O.K. there?"
Everything went black- like I was yanked into a hole. I don't think I was completely out because I could still talk. Sorta. I gave them a rambling version of my "don't worry this happens all the time" speech. My friend and another coworker had put me on the floor so I wouldn't fall and smack my head. Seconds later I was fine. Funny how one can go from normal to a blob of Jell-O and back so quickly.

What's going on? Why is my brain pulling stupid tricks like this? It's embarrassing!

Note- since I wrote this post I had a chance to visit a doctor (who was nice enough to bill me at a discount since I'm not insured). The verdict: It's probably harmless since

1. It has been going on for 20 years without getting worse

2. It only happens when I'm standing up.

Yay! No medical tests! Whoohoo!

Wait, I still have this dumb problem. Oh well.

Luck is wasted on the Lucky.

I have a Threepenny Opera CD.
It was recorded in the early thirties.
To my horror, I did some research and found that one of the main singers had a terrible fate.

1. He was a popular entertainer in Germany in the 20s and 30s*
   
2. He was offered work in Hollywood but chose to stay home
3. He fled to the Netherlands to escape the Nazis, who soon snatched him there
   
4. At the concentration camp, the Nazis forced him to direct a shameless propaganda film about what a swell place it was. Cooperate or you and your family will be killed, the told him.
   
5. When the film wrapped, they sent him and his family to the gas chamber anyway
   

Whoa! I told myself. That's ghastly! Cruel! Unfair!
And to think you get unglued when you're stuck in traffic the computer freezes. Put things in perspective!
You're not in a death camp,aboard a slave ship, inside a burning building or under a bomb! Remember that, you self-absorbed jerk!

This should have been a profound moment, yet...

Luck is wasted on the lucky.


*I've kept his name and picture off the blog so I don't tarnish his image/memory with cartoons of me whining about the phone not working.

The New Planet is a Tease!

Good news! They've found a potentially earthlike planet that could- assuming it is earthlike- support life.
It's called. Gliese 581 c.
Bad news! It's 20.5 light years away.
That's over 14 trillion miles!
Remember Voyager 1? That flying lawn chair we launched in the 70's that took those cool pictures of Jupiter and Saturn? It's one of the fastest things we've sent into space, going 38400 mph and sorta in the right direction* It'll get there in about ....358011 years.** So much for marking my calender.
How Annoying. Even if it is inhabited with creatures, it's too far away for us to observe them.
It's like I'm a kid and it's a cool toy on a shelf I can't reach.
Gliese 581c ( and they'll have to do something about that name***) is a tease!


*sorta. From an earthly perspective they're a constellation apart. (Gliese 581 c is in Libra, Voyager 1 is in Ophiuchus****) Saying Voyager 1 will reach X because of this is like saying a postcard to Portugal will end up in Italy since they're nearby on the map. Voyager 1 won't end up anywhere near there.

**a more math savvy pal says 357011 is the correct number.

***Okay, I know it's a technical name because it's one of many on a list of nearby stars, but it sounds funny out of context. Like it's a pharmaceutical.:"Maybe you should ask your doctor about Gliese581c"

****my inner nerd insists that "in" libra means, if you could see it from earth, it would appear to be in the patch of sky we've named Libra. My inner nerd is no fun.

The Second Coolest Cartoon Ever

Overtime at work has kept me away from the drawing board, so, like last week, I'll substitute my content with a cartoon made by folks more talented than I.



It's Minnie the Moocher, a Fleischer Studios Talkartoon . Like it's sister cartoon, Snow White, Betty Boop and her dog friend Bimbo find themselves in a surreal cave. A ghost sings a Cab Calloway song (you can probably guess which one).
I love how they've combined cuteness (Betty, Bimbo, the ghosts) with the tawdry and the morbid. Combine the lyrics of the song with the animation and you have a mix of death, drinking, heroin, skelletons, and electric chair executions.
As with Snow White, this cartoon can be watched many times, as the creators have thrown in a lot of gags and details that a lesser studio might have skipped.

Waking Dreams (Stupid Mind Tricks)

Ever have a waking dream? That's when you're awake enough to observe stuff in the room, but still asleep enough to see stuff that's not there. They're behind the "I woke up and there was a ghost/monster/alien standing by the bed" accounts you sometimes hear. The technical name for them is hypnogogic hallucinations.
I sometimes get these. Sensations I've experienced include:

• A heavy, grunting rhino-sized animal sitting on the bed and or on me
• A cat face coming out of the wall
• A blue ghost standing in my room
• Bugs
• The bed shaking
  
• Sliding and being dragged at odd angles
• Being lifted out of the bed and thrown down violently, over and over
• Dead body parts in my bed

The last one freaked me out so badly that I got up and got dressed, even though it was a quarter to five and still dark. What a rip off! Sleep is supposed to be relaxing, not the Spanish Inquisition Meets a Hokey Horror Flick. The wikipedia link classifies the bed shaking and sliding bits as "rare". I guess I'm one of the lucky ones.
If my mind has to play stupid tricks on me, it could at least provide some nice hallucinations. Baby seals instead of bugs? A massage instead of being slammed around like pizza dough?

Coolest Cartoon Ever!

I've been doing lots of overtime lately, so I can't crank out new material.
Instead, I'll share one of my favorite cartoons of all time. Snow White by the Fleischer Studios.
If you think it's too cutsy, keep watching, as half way into the cartoon it takes a wacky morbid turn.
Note the details in the animation (especially things morphing into different shapes) and the imagery on the background scroll during the "St James Infirmary Blues*" scene. That's Cab Calloway doing the singing.
More about this fabulous cartoon can be found here.

*a song about a down on his luck fellow visiting his dead, drug addict girlfriend. Cartoons weren't always for kids!

Octopus Crackers

About 12 years ago, an octopus at a local aquarium created a flap.
Her name, Octavia
"She shouldn't confined to a tank!,"animal rights protesters said. "Octopuses are sensitive, intelligent, compassionate creatures! Free Octavia!"
Octopuses are intelligent- at least enough to solve problems and get into mischief. But I have a hard time buying the concept of an octopus tapping his tentacles and contemplating his imprisonment. If anything, they like to snuggle up in a secure nook when they're not hunting. Compassionate? Get outta here. They eat each other.
At the height of the controversy, Octavia pulled the plug on her tank. It happened at night, so there was nobody around to stop the drainage. When the aquarium reopened the next morning, it was too late. She was octopus jerky.
The activists blamed the aquarium, suggesting that the creature did this on purpose to end her tragic life.
They held a candlelight vigil in her honor.
People are nuts.

My Television Debut

I can't act. Period. It's a shame, since I loved doing plays as a kid (and a bit as an adult, but that's another story). That didn't keep my then roommate Juli from casting me in her movie in 2003. It was a Good Morning America contest. Contestants were invited to make a Valentine's Day film. Would I mind playing a "bum" collecting cans and bottles from the trash at the beach?
I agreed. I figured I couldn't screw it up too badly. It was a small part, and for me, an easy one. In my early teens I spent a summer raiding park trashcans for bottles and cans so I could cash them in.* I was an old pro at this thing.
The costume Juli and I created looked rattier than an old sneaker. I wore stained, mismatched clothes. Thick makeup covered my face, neck and arms, making me look like I hadn't showered for weeks.
We got to the beach. I rooted through the trash as the camera rolled. Some beach goers didn't get that this was only a movie and glared at me in disgust.
A week later ABC called.
Juli's film was a finalist in the contest and would be shown in part on Good Morning America. We were thrilled. We'd be on T.V.! National T.V.
Then it hit me- I'd make my T.V. debut, on Good Morning America, no less, in a hideous getup, coated with fake dirt, and greasy hair. How flattering. Hello world, it's me!
It aired. I was onscreen for about four seconds. Joel Siegel referred to me as "a homeless lady" a I learned later that Juli's relatives thought that she'd used a real homeless person. Thanks, I think...

*Don't feel sorry for me- I wasn't poor. I was in it for the money

You've Got Spider!

This is getting silly.
Last week there was a snail in my mailbox. This week's prize? A spider. The coward bit my hand and ran off. Jerk. He could have at least slowed down to give me chance to swat him with Linens 'N' Things coupon. Now I have a welt on my hand. Thanks, Spider.
How'd he get in there? Was he just looking for a hiding spot? Or had my mailbox saboteur struck again?

Dolphin Games II: The Dark Side.

Dolphins have a good rep. They're smart. Cute. They do tricks. They rescue drowning swimmers and scare off sharks. They're the role model animal. "Look how they cooperate and get along," people say. "So peaceful. So helpful. Maybe us so-called civilized humans could learn something from them."
A few years ago, we did learn something. The flap started when dead, mangled porpoises washed ashore in Scotland. What was going on? Sharks? Motor blades?
The mystery was solved when someone filmed a pod of dolphins roughing up porpoise. The poor little guy squeals in terror as the dolphins batter him like a volleyball. They bit him, rammed him and tossed him in the air.
What really disturbed me was that the dolphins were probably smart enough to know they were tormenting him. This wasn't a pack of dumb sharks chomping for food. This was a game, for fun, at another creature's expense.
So much for the noble, peaceful undersea role model.
If dolphin squeaks are ever translated into English, I bet the results would be threats, jeers, catcalls and profanity.