What NOT to Do With Food Coloring

I seem to be missing the part of my brain that tells me That's dumb.  Don't do it!
For example, once I was curious about food coloring.   What did it taste like?   Did it have a flavor of its own when it wasn't mixed in with sugar, milk, flour, etc..?

I took a squeeze bottle of green dye and did this:

It had no taste.  It did, however, still work as a dye.

Which in turn worked as a "this person is an idiot" indicator.

I Get Hacked

My email got hacked. 

People on my contact list got an message like this:

Lord knows what the link leads to.  Maybe a sales pitch.   Maybe a virus.
 I'm not clicking it...
The "someone broke into my account" factor isn't nearly as annoying as the fact that nearly everyone I've sent mail to- including:

• old friends
• coworkers 
• internet acquaintances
• relatives
• people I've admired enough to send fan mail to...

...got mail from "me" with my duck icon and a bogus link.   The next time these people see the duck icon or read my name, they'll think: hmmm... Namowal... that duck picture...... isn't that the spammer who trashed my computer?  What a tool! 

I originally picked the duck head icon because it was good natured and unpretentious. When it appeared (here and other places on the web) I wanted to communicate this:

Unfortunately, it now communicates this:

Guest Blogger: "My IKEA Girlfriend was Pretty Cool Until She Fell Apart"

"Olimpia, my IKEA girlfriend"

Guest Blogger: Allen Heckskey, Los Angeles Resident

Olimpia smelled of particle board and lingonberries.   I bought her at IKEA.
I'll admit I had mixed feelings when I opened that flat box and saw all those pieces.  I'm the kind of guy who can't put a model airplane together and I'm supposed to assemble a person?  It took three hours.   I kept messing up, like when  I realized I'd put each hand on the wrong arm and had to take them off  and swap them.  One of her eyes rolled under my bed and it took twenty minutes for me to find it.  She was a hassle to put together, but once I was done, I knew I'd made the perfect girlfriend.
She was wonderful.  Gorgeous, slim, and fun.    She never made me sit through dumb movies or musicals.  Never hauled me to cat shows or swap meets.   Never made me hold her purse while she tried on clothes. Never said "You should this..." or "Why don't you that."   Never got moody.  Wherever I wanted to go or whatever I wanted to do, she was up for it.  And she cooked the best meatballs you ever tasted.
Trouble came about six months later.   I thought it was my imagination when her skin seemed to sag at the joints.  Then we were in line for "Cyberslashing Bloodsplatterfest 3D" at the IMAX and her arm falls off!   Try fetching your girlfriend's severed arm in front of a line of people.   I duct taped it back on later that night, but two days later, her foot came lose and her knee ripped open.   It got ridiculous.   More sags, breaks and rips.  I taped her up as best I could, but it was clear her days as my girlfriend were over.  Too "high maintenance."  Plus she looked kinda stupid with all that tape.
I wasn't sure what to do with her.  I thought of putting her in the closet or the attic, but that was too creepy.   I could have thrown her away, but she was like a ratty old bathrobe that you loved because it was yours.  For now she's propped the corner of my bedroom.   It's not a total loss.  She still tells me I look "great" every morning, and never complains that I "don't take her places anymore."

A Crummy Moth!

Guest Blogger: Milton the Moth

" Eat your greens, little caterpillar," the adults promised, "And someday you'll be a beautiful butterfly!"
That's what I heard every day.  All this buildup as to how someday I'd graduate from grubhood, emerging as a colorful butterfly.  I often wondered how I'd turn out.  Would I be an iconic Monarch?  A sporty Swallowtail?   Maybe I'd even be the kind with those big pretend eyes on my wings.
Well, imagine my surprise when I broke out of my cocoon and discovered I was a crummy moth.   A moth!  A plain, dinky, grayish moth.   This is what I was waiting for?
My stupid caterpillar buddies all turned out as butterflies.   They're too cool to hang with me anymore, but they still stop by to bug me.  "Who's up for laps around the streetlight" one goes, and the rest crack up laughing.  They also call me "Clothes Nibbler," "Porch Light Pest," "Cat Toy," and "Bat Bait".  Gee, thanks guys!

The Phoenix: "This Fire and Rising from the Ashes is Getting Old"

Guest Blogger: The Phoenix, Mythological Bird

"At first it was pretty cool.   I'd be getting a little rough around the edges and KABOOM!   I'd burst into flames and  rise up all new and pretty.  Not many birds could do that!  The Trick won me a lot of bar bets over the years.  On weekends I'd do the performance artist thing and rake in the tips.'
It's been many a century  and now I'm  tired of the whole thing.  I know my power is divine and mystical and all that, but really, couldn't the gods have tried a bit harder when they put me together?  The immortality's good, but did they have to make it tied to spontaneous combustion?  How stupid is that!? Sure I come out fine, but everything nearby gets trashed.  I can't tell you how many cleaning deposits I've lost for destroyed property and smoke damage.  Nobody invites me anywhere* .  
Just last week I was unloading my shopping cart at Thriftimart and FOOM!  I took out the conveyor belt, the tabloids,  the gift cards and the candy selection.  Most of my groceries too.  The tequila bottle made it but then the lady behind the counter wouldn't let me buy it because now I looked "way under twenty one."
Stupid, stupid mystical power!  "

*"Okay, this one annoying guy  tries to pal with me, but only because he likes to put a marshmallow on a stick and hold it over my head "just in case."   Har har.    Jerk!"

Controversy

When I "like" a controversial comment or subject on Facebook, I think I look appear this:

Too bad I actually appear like this:

The Sun: Why Do I Even Bother to Shine?

Guest Blogger: Sol, A.K.A. "The Sun"
I was so eager in the beginning.  I knew developing and maintaining a solar system would take dedication and work, but I was under the delusion that it might, maybe PAY OFF SOME DAY...
I'd considered my planet collection a work in progress.   I pulled the most interesting planets I could find into my orbit.  I kept the moons spinning.   Installed an asteroid belt.  Threw in some comets.  Hung rings on Saturn (still making payments on these).  I thought, this may not be the best planet system, but someday it'll be one of the greats.
Now, after 4 billion  years of being snubbed as a location for intergalactic conventions, absent in "Planetary System of the Week" mentions, and not even a stub on the MilkyWaykipeda, it's become clear.
My planetary system is crap and I have no business running it.  
No double stars.  No pulsars.   Most of my planets are lifeless, and the one holdout is crawling with the most disgusting things you ever saw.
The final straw came when I took the "How will YOU end up" quiz on Facebook.  I'd always figured I'd be fusing iron some day.  And then I'd go supernova.  Then everyone would point to me and say how awesome I was.   Nope.  According to the results I'll eventually fall apart and become a "planetary nebula"  which is the politically correct way to say "space booger".  Left over at the core will be a "degenerate dwarf".  That's like a tatertot that glows in the dark.
Boy, I'm glad I've worked billions of years for this! 

Pickle Pup Gets Mangled

I worked on a movie I'll call "Pickle Pup."   My job was to blend computer characters (and their shadows and reflections) into live action scenes.  As the show neared completion, someone sent out an email asking everyone who worked on the show to sign the official poster.  It was going to be a gift for someone.
Most people just signed their names, but some added sketches of the title character.
I decided that's what I'd do too.   I liked to draw, right?   Never mind the fact I did absolutly no drawings, character design, or animation for the movie.

I planned to draw something like this:

What I really drew looked like this:

Arrrgh!   It might have been okay as a doodle, but compared to the professional sketches on the poster, it looked amateurish.  As in "I can't draw and am not aware that I can't draw."  And it was right next to my signature (which in a state of cockiness, I'd made rather large!)
I tried to fix it.

Soon it looked like this:

It was a mess.  What was worse, I was holding up the line.  People behind me (including people who got paid to draw cartoons) were getting impatient.  And wondering what the hell I was doing.

There was no saving the drawing.  It was a smeared, mangled train wreck.   I tried to blot it out into a stylish wedge of black:

The result was as stylish as a mustard stain.   Right next to my name.
I should have blotted that out too.

Jupiter: "My Fellow Planets are Idiots":

Guest Blogger: Jupiter
I really hate my neighbors.  How'd I end up  with such losers?
Take Mercury:  Hopped up little bastard.   He's always racing round and knocking stuff over.
Then there's Venus.  She's always trying to outshine everyone.  "Did you know there's a song about me?" she says.  "Did you know there's a goddess named after me?"  I shut her up by pointing out there's a category of diseases named after her too.
Then Earth- yechh.  He's  infested with spores and creatures.   A real slob. How dirty is he?  His creatures have actually spread to his moon!.  There's a giant leap for you.  Also, he's wet, clammy, and always tracks in mud.  
Next comes Mars.  Where do I begin?   At parties he gets drunk, pulls up his shirt and points to Mariner Valley and goes "Let me tell ya how I got this!"  His story keeps changing:  "It's an asteroid impact!" he says, then next time it's  "from a knife fight me and Phobos had in the Oort Cloud!"  Sure, Mars, sure.
I think it's a stretch mark.
And there's that tramp, Saturn.  You went real subtle with those rings, honey!   Real classy.
Uranus and Neptune?   Two boring clouds of "duh".
There used to be Pluto.
He was a stupid little pebble.  He'd fly all  about going "Wheee!  I am planet!  Me planet!!"    Planet? That  idiot couldn't achieve a circular orbit in a flushing toilet.
 I'm glad they put him away.
The Sun says I have an "attitude problem" and should "lighten up."  (He thinks he's really clever when he uses the expression "lighten up," as if it's a inside joke that I'm too dumb detect. )  He also tells us  "I'm proud of ALL of you," in a way that makes it sound like he's really, really  deep and enlightened because he's able to detect how special everyone is.  Dolt.  If I were him I'd book the whole solar system on Jerry Springer.  If you hang out with idiots, you may as well get paid for it.

Mad at Someone?

Mad at someone?  
Ready to give them a piece of your mind?  Ready to show him (or her) how they've wronged you?

Tell them off and you may think you appear like this:

As for how you really look...

Bigger and stronger than most people?
Tell them off and you'll appear like this:


Average sized or petite? 
Tell them off and you'll look like this:

 You have been warned.

Star Nosed Mole

An article I read described the star nosed mole as one of the least appealing creatures on the planet. I can see why. The wormy snout! The beady eyes! The claws!   It makes a vampire bat look cuddly.

As a challenge, I tried to design a character that was clearly a Star Nose Mole, yet wasn't nasty.

I came up with these two.

The one above lost some depth and energy when I added the inklines and color.
Compare it to the "pencil" layer.
If anyone knows what I'm doing wrong, please fill me in.

Just added- a quick copy of the original sketch (darkened) and painted, as Linda suggested.

Humpty Dumpty's Greatest Falls

When I taught preschool, I disliked the safety materials.  They were the "Sammy the  Squirrel Plays Safe" variety.  They  ignored  what happens when you didn't  play safe. That would make a lasting impression, but how do you sanitize it for preschoolers?     I had a hunch something like "Sammy the Squirrel gets Hit by a Car?"  would cause problems.
  How could I show the kids the consequences of  recklessness without giving them nightmares?

Humpty Dumpty was how   Every kid knew he was the egg who fell of the wall and broke.   Picture books showed him cracked and oozing!



I got out the magic markers and drew a series of  Humpty Dumpty cartoons.
Each came in two parts.  The first picture showed him doing something stupid: jumping from the swings, playing on railroad tracks, fooling with matches etc...  I'd tell the kids "Oh no, look what he's doing now!  What could happen next...?"
The kids would speculate, eagerly anticipating part two where Humpty got his comeuppance.
The second picture had him cracked, flattened, splattered, or poached.  "Uh Oh!" I'd say.  "Look what happened  Now he's broken!"  The kids loved it!
"Do you want to be like Humpty Dumpty?" I'd ask.
"No!" they  said.
"Are you going to wait until the swing stops before you get off?"
"Yes!" they'd promise.
Those kids are adults now.  As they  were growing up, did any of them ever face a dangerous situation and choose to be safe, thanks to Humpty Dumpty?
Or did the kids just look back and think Damn, that preschool teacher was warped!

He Who has the Dough Makes the Rules

You may have read about the bakery in Salt Lake City called "My Dough Girl" who was bullied by Pillsbury into changing its name on the grounds that "My Dough Girl" sounded too much like their trademarked "Dough Boy." 
I could understand a problem if the bakery's logo or advertisements resembled Pillsbury's mascot (they don't), or if they sold similar items at the supermarket (they don't).
Yes, I get that it's in the best interest of a company to protect  trademarks.  Had the bakery been called "Doughboy" or "Pop 'n' Fresh," I'd be on Pillsbury's side.  But "My Dough Girl?"    Sheesh.

The Devil and the Fool

Someone takes the last cup of coffee without making a fresh batch.
Jerk! I think.
Someone in front of me in the five-items-or-less line has seven cans of Fancy Feast, a bag of Ruffles, a box of  Ding Dongs, and  two bottles of soda  her cart.   
Dummy! 
 Someone carelessly bumps into me at the coffee house, sending the top inch off coffee over the rim of the cup and onto my jeans.  Bastard!
Ask anyone who's been annoyed, inconvenienced, or endangered by someone else and they'll be quick to label the offending party.  Either he's a  "bad" person (selfish, greedy, mean, or pain evil), or "stupid" (careless, reckless, clueless, or crazy)  It's like our lives are a story and we need true villains and fools to explain how we've been treated.
Of course, most of these cads probably don't wake up with evil or crazy plans.  It's possible that these heinous deeds were, in fact::

• Honest Mistakes (for example, maybe the gal with the loaded cart didn't see the sign)
• Part of a More Complex Situation (She may have been in a longer line for some time and was invited to the quick check when it opened)
• The Exception and not the Rule (She's normally conscientious about 5-item etiquette but you've caught her at the one time she's slipped up)
• Misunderstanding on our part (Whoops, it wasn't a a 5-item line I was in!)

I should be glad that my annoying encounters aren't (usually) the result of evil and stupidity, but the part of my brain that hacks together my daily "story" is horrified.
"What!?" it  responds, "You mean I'm not the valiant Good Guy,  doing the Right Things in my daily battle with The Bad Guys and The Fools?   You mean  the whole lot of us are just flawed people with flawed perceptions?  What evil foolishness is this!?"

JetSki Banjo Pig

For Dueling Banjo Pigs.
(If you haven't checked it out yet, take a look.)

Pyrrhuloxia

"Pyrrhuloxia" isn't a disease picked up at cheap motels.  It's the name of a cardinal-like bird from the North American southwest.   The  Latin name is  Cardinalis sinuatus.  How'd  they get stuck with a common name more complex than the scientific one?
They don't have them in Los Angeles, where I live.  Too bad.  I think they're cute.
Look at the sincere, determined expression on this Wikipedia photo:

Okay, I'm anthropomorphizing...
...but I bet he sincerely thinks the seed block is his and is determined to keep it that way.

Blue Footed Booby

The Banjo Charmer

Another offering for Dueling Banjo Pigs.

Yellow Bellied Sapsucker

There really is a bird called the "Yellow Bellied Sapsucker."   Some name.  It sounds like an insult.  Break it down and it's a string of smaller jabs: "yellow," "sap"  and "sucker."   It could have been named "Gold Breasted Woodpecker" or "Masked Stifftail,"  but "Yellow Bellied Sapsucker" it is.
Who came up with this name?  Was he mad at them?  Did a flock peck up his orchard? 
Maybe he was simply blunt: "It's got a yellow belly, doesn't it?" he might have said.  "It sucks sap outta trees, right?"
Imagine if this guy had been in charge of naming other birds:

Owl:  Flat Faced Mouse Muncher

Pelican: Sack-Jowled Fish Scooper

Hummingbird:      Needle-Nosed Necter Nibbler

Duck:                    Web-footed Dinner Dabbler

Vulture:                 Ball-headed Carcass Craver

Seagull:                 Squawkmouthed Dumpster Diver

Turkey:                 Pin-Headed Pending Poultry Product

Hawk:                    Rust-Feathered Rodent Reaper

That being said, I wonder if he had something to do with naming the Blue Footed Booby...

Soul Scan

(this is fictional but I could see it happening...)

  It was a cartoony machine- a large screen perched on a wavy stand with two eye like scanners that bobbed like day old helium balloons.    "See your soul for a nickel!" the sign said.   A poster  showed the possibilities - a  a dumpy woman looked at the screen and saw Venus rising from the sea..  A scrawny kid with a bad haircut became a god shooting lightning bolts from a mountaintop.  "What strength and beauty lies within YOU?" it asked.
I inserted a nickel.
"Hold still, please" the machine said.  The "eyes" floated over to me and looked carefully, as if searching for concealed contraband.    On the monitor, a fuzzy picture emerged.
I wasn't expecting a goddess or a glistening, ethereal form.  Even a angel or fairy figurine- the plastic glittery kind sold in drugstores-  would be a stretch.  Still, I thought  a cute bobblehead doll  or a windup toy were real possibilities.
Then my result appeared.
"A rubber chicken?" I said. "That's my soul?"
"Yep," said the machine.  "That's you..  Funny, but neither useful or original."
"I want my nickel back!"
"A cheap rubber chicken," it continued.  "The plastic kind where the eyes and wattles are crudely painted."
"Stupid machine,": I said.
"A rubber chicken is thin skinned." the machine said.  "A shallow, empty headed prop. A novelty that wears off quickly and becomes annoying..  Self centered and self absorbed, yet oblivious to-"
"I'm not self centered!" I said.
"If you're not self centered,  maybe you'd have noticed there's now three other people waiting to for their reading, while you're holding up the line." it said.
I stormed away, avoiding eye contact with the others.
In retrospect, I probably should have asked if there were any constructive steps  I might take to upgrade my soul to a rubber duck or a lawn flamingo. 
I still want my nickel back.

Digital Drawing Board II

Here's an update of the picture I posted earlier.  Dialog (and some details) have been toggled off so I don't spoil the story in advance.

Pow!

Another Dueling Banjo Pig offering.

Digital Drawing Board

(click picture for larger view)
Even my digital desktop gets cluttered sometimes.

Bad Dreams

What's up with these nightmares?  My life is easy.  I've never been traumatized.  Never done mind altering drugs.  Yet  every night, when the dreams roll in, they're bad.  
This week I was chased by  a swarm of batlike things.  Batbugs or Mothbats.  There was a switch in the room to turn them off but I couldn't find it because they were biting my arms, shoulders ears and cheeks.
Then I found myself wandering up a sidewalk, after dark.  Rain fell.  I could taste the drops.  Gloomy jazz music played and a narrator chimed in "abandoned by her friends and family, she was never seen alive again.  Her savagely beaten and strangled body was found in a ditch..."
Where does this stuff come from?

The next night I dreamed that I hadn't slept for three days. Then I looked out the window and saw flames and smoke topping a nearby hill. I went outside and discovered distant flames in each direction, miles away but getting closer.
Stupid fire season! I thought.It gets worse every year!
I tried to comfort myself that I'd "only" die from smoke inhalation before the flames reached me.  Then I figured a blaze this big was  hot enough to roast me from a distance, the way a campfire gloop-afies a marshmallow without touching it.  Was I doomed?
Wait!  There was a way out, to the southeast.   I scampered up  the road to safety.
BOOM!
A fifty foot plume of flire rose ahead of me, blocking my escape.
"Someone's doing this on purpose!" I yelled.

Crazy dreams!

Hot Tub Banjo Pig

(Click picture for larger image.)
My latest  submission for Dueling Banjo Pigs.

Koala Chicken

Here's something I did for an acquaintance who needed a picture of a "Koala Chicken" and didn't have one handy.
The double thumb isn't a mistake- koalas really do have two on each hand!
I drew and colored this in ArtRage.  I wasn't too familiar with the brush I used to color it, so it turned out a bit flatter than what I had in mind.

Bacon Banjo Hula!

High Note off the Hog

Created for Dueling Banjo Pigs.

Nightmare at Fifty Feet

My friend Frank* went to a street fair with his friend.  They hopped on
 a ride called "The Zipper."  It's something like an oblong Ferris Wheel.  The  cars
 swing and flip (you can see one in action here).
It started out great," Frank recalls.  "Music was playing, the car was rocking and there was this incredible view as we rose higher and higher."
"Then the car leaned backwards.   Suddenly, this fire hose of vomit sprayed down from the car above.   There was a safety grid but it let everything through.  And it kept coming!  We tried to move out of the way but there was nowhere to go."
"So it's all over us and we're going 'Stop the ride!  Stop the ride!'".
It didn't stop.

"The operator guy saw what happened!"  Frank says.   " I'm sure he heard us too, but he kept the ride going anyway!  We were trapped in a puke-spin-cycle for another three minutes.  Or maybe it was longer.  I think he let us ride a few extra rounds, just to be a jerk."
"Finally the damn thing stopped and we got out.    We were soaked!  My friend punched the operator.  Meanwhile I'm running  the fair, stripping off my shirt and pants and shoes and looking for a place to wash them.   It sucked!"
"Ever have a moment go from perfect to pure hell in seconds?"


*name been changed

Tail o' the Hack

I was proud of this blog for a long time.  I didn't think it was the best one out there, but I thought it was amusing.  Funny pictures!  Smartass observations!   Look how  clever I am!
Then this occurred to me: If the blog was really that special,  it'd have way more visitors, way more returning visitors, and a Technorati authority higher than one.  Ha! I scolded myself.  You're a self-absorbed hack.   You can't draw, you can't write, and you can't draw a crowd.  Nice work.
Then I got a surprise.
My visitor counter recorded a sudden influx of visitors, all from a network of people I know.  What was this about?   Was I being rediscovered?  Maybe my blog wasn't so bad?
Then learned this.  Minutes earlier, someone had shared an app which lets you deface (a snapshot of) any website you choose.   They were picking this site so they could blow holes in it and splatter it with blood!
Well, I'd always wanted to entertain a larger group, right?

Another Preview Pic

Another picture from my mini comic, drawn with ArtRage.   I'm having fun drawing it but it's taking longer than I planned! 

A Bear for Punishment

My home computer has been mangled by a spyware and my laptop won't connect to the internet, so I haven't posted anything new.
In the meantime, here's a Warner Brothers cartoon I like.
When I was little, I couldn't understand why Paw was so cranky. As an adult, I think he's the most sympathetic character.