Guest Blogger: The Phoenix, Mythological Bird
"At first it was pretty cool. I'd be getting a little rough around the edges and KABOOM! I'd burst into flames and rise up all new and pretty. Not many birds could do that! The Trick won me a lot of bar bets over the years. On weekends I'd do the performance artist thing and rake in the tips.'
It's been many a century and now I'm tired of the whole thing. I know my power is divine and mystical and all that, but really, couldn't the gods have tried a bit harder when they put me together? The immortality's good, but did they have to make it tied to spontaneous combustion? How stupid is that!? Sure I come out fine, but everything nearby gets trashed. I can't tell you how many cleaning deposits I've lost for destroyed property and smoke damage. Nobody invites me anywhere* .
Just last week I was unloading my shopping cart at Thriftimart and FOOM! I took out the conveyor belt, the tabloids, the gift cards and the candy selection. Most of my groceries too. The tequila bottle made it but then the lady behind the counter wouldn't let me buy it because now I looked "way under twenty one."
Stupid, stupid mystical power! "
*"Okay, this one annoying guy tries to pal with me, but only because he likes to put a marshmallow on a stick and hold it over my head "just in case." Har har. Jerk!"