"I'm on a Ride and I Want to Get Off"

"I'm on a ride and I want to get off" is a my favorite line from the 1980s nonsense song, "The Reflex" by Duran Duran. I picture something like this when I hear it.

The Goose, The Monster and the Secret of Life

(By Guest Blogger Ganderdalf the Goose wizard )

Creatures from the 1313th Dimension are extremely intelligent and wise, but a lot of folks don't notice.  The Creatures look like monsters.   They get screamed at.  Or shot at.  No wonder they rarely come our way.
I met one once, briefly, at the Port of Pikooby.
I introduced myself and asked if he'd be kind enough to tell mere goose (me) the Secret of Life.  This way he (or she, or it) would  know I  accepted him as a fellow, if not superior creature.  And I wanted his wisdom!  Two minutes of his advice could be the equivalent of years of study.
I couldn't believe he agreed to tell me!  I looked up in amazement as he floated like a jellyfish, turning different colors and looking at me with his green eyes.  They were the size of grapefruits and stacked on a stalk rising from his head.  His tentacles waved like silk banners in a breeze.     His voice was strange too.  Sounded like he was underwater.  When he chuckled, red and orange sparks rose from his three nostrils.
Then his shuttle came and he was gone.  I stood there, marveling at what had just happened.   A Creature from the 1313 Dimension had just told me the Secret of Life!  And the secret was... ...well what had he said anyway?   I couldn't remember the details.  His alien-ess had completely distracted me.
And that's how I didn't learn the Secret of Life.

Jumpy

I startle way too easily.  Tap my shoulder when I'm concentrating and I'll leap from the chair.
"I didn't mean to startle you," the embarrassed (or annoyed) party says.  I fear the subtext is: That shouldn't have startled anyone.  What's wrong with you!?
Friends and family are used to it.  Strangers think I'm nuts.   Actually friends and family think I'm a bit nuts too.
I first noticed this in high school.   One day the bell rang and I jumped.  I've been jumping ever since.
Intellectually I know bells, shoulder taps other surprises are harmless.  A more primitive part of my brain must  have other ideas.  "Loud noise?" it reasons,  "Mortal danger!  I repeat, mortal danger!  Dispatch the adrenalin!"
Maybe someday some sense will someday trickle down to the part of my brain that hits the panic button.
Until then, I'll  be jumpy.

The Brown Lady of Raynham Hall (Busted?)

When I was a kid, I loved books about "true" ghost stories, even though they freaked me out.  Two stories were extra scary.  One was about a zombie-looking ghost of a murdered woman who appeared in a junk shop basement.  The other tale was famous- The Brown Lady of Raynham hall.
Raynham Hall was built in Norfolk, U.K. in the 1600s (It's still here today).  According to the legend, by the 1800s, visitors sometimes spotted a ghostly lady in brown brocade (sometimes satin) dress.   She'd show up at the bedside or in the hallway, carrying a lamp and "grinning diabolically."   And some said she had "gouged out" eyes!   That was scary enough for me, but there was more- the ghost books had a photograph of her!
Here the photo:

It's an icon of ghostlore.   I took it seriously when I was a kid.  It gave me nightmares!
As an adult more suspicious.
I don't believe in ghosts, but assuming I'm wrong, this serene figure looks nothing like the menacing, disheveled specter from the legend.
A few have noticed the shape looks something like a Madonna statue.   Could it be a double exposure?  Had the  photographers snapped a picture of the former, then captured the staircase on the same plate?
I tried to recreate the process.
First I found an internet photo of a Madonna.  Here's one from a church (also in Norfolk, but 40+ miles away from Raynham Hall):

I digitally cut out the figure, turned it black and white, blurred it a bit and superimposed it  into the famous photo:

Hey!  It fits.
Here's another version, with the Madonna scooted off to the right:

Look familiar?  They look like near duplicates, with the "ghost" facing a a slightly different direction.   I bet the photographer was pulling a fast one using a similar statue.  What do you think?

Google Maps: Hit Pole Here

At a slippery spot, Google Maps thoughtfully shows your route into a pole.

Mission Hot Link Smuggle

My Mom was in the hospital earlier this week (she's out now).   Her roommate  was  entertaining.  More engaging  than anything on daytime T.V.
Luci was awaiting  surgery or some sort of procedure.   Most of her time was spent on the phone.  She wanted food smuggled in.  I secretly transcribed her conversations:

"Pick up!  Pick up the phone!  I know you're there.  Y'all should be ashamed of yourself!

...Now bring me some food...   ...Hot Links and potato salad, and banana pudding...and bring me some socks!  My feet are freezing...  ...No! I don't wear those hospital booties.   Bring me socks...!
...Is that Penny?  Put that fatass on the line...!
If you don't bring me something to eat up here I'll tear up this hospital!
Who?  She's got no say in what I get to eat!  Tell that %!!# to shut up!  I'll tear her tail up right over the phone!"

In addition, someone brave enough to visit Luci in person was informed she was ready to "knock his #!@@ right out of the ^@!!! window" if she didn't get those Hot Links.
Mission Hot Link Smuggle was a success.  The last time I saw her she had a take out-container full of biscuits, potato salad, fries, and Hot Links. 

(The Other) Treasure Planet

Long ago, I read the book Treasure Island and saw the 1950 film version. Both times I thought It'd be totally cool if this was set in space! It could have aliens and craziness! It could be called "Treasure Planet!"
Years later I learned something terrible- Disney was making a movie called "Treasure Planet!" How could they? Didn't they know this was my idea?*
The 1999 Disney film turned out a bit different than how I envisioned it.
My version would have been more goofy and cartoony.  No gorgeous steampunk ships sailing through the ether.
For example, early in the book the Jim (the kid narrator) runs into a blind cutthroat who grabs him, pins his arm behind his back, and threatens to break it.  I'd picture Jim as a mallard. The thug is a tentacled alien.  Three mangled eye stocks rise from his head.  It's gross.  It's scary.  More importantly, it's silly.
That's my kind of cartoon.
I suppose it wouldn't be nominated for an Acadamy Award (as was the Disney version).  The critics would think it was stupid.  Maybe everyone would...
...but I'd love it!


*Actually I bet a lot of people have thought, Let's put "Treasure Island" in space! over the years. 

Preview Profile

Here's a preview of a walk cycle I'm working on for my cartoon. It still needs work, but I'm getting there.
I rendered it as a silhouette for two reasons:

• Since it's a work in progress, it gives me another way to "read" how it works.  Are his shape and movements clear?    What personality does he seem to have?   There seems to be an artifact from his shoulder popping too far forward... etc..
• If you turned off the shadow effect, you'd see it was really half of a walk- he takes one step forward, then his limbs swap places.   Had it been a full cycle, any tweaking I do with one limb will have to be done with the other.  This way, I can edit the half step until I get the look I want .  Then I can apply the info to the second half of the walk*.  

Of course, take my "tips" with a grain of salt- I'm an amateur at this stuff.

*Of course, this trick only works with walks where the limbs can be interchanged.   If, for example, he swung his arms far enough to the side to cause foreshortening, they'd look very different.

Obscene Phone Bust (Hudson & Landry)

The "Obscene Phone Bust" sketch by Hudson & Landry dates back to the early 1970s, but it's still funny:
A suspect accused of dirty phone calls is being interrogated by the police.  Every answer he gives is packed with obscenities, which are bleeped out with silly sounds.   The humor goes beyond the gimmick- it's just funny to hear them butt heads.  The officer is aggressive, bossy and increasingly frustrated, while the phone perv knows no fear...
Here's a recording from You-Tube:

Guest Blogger: Chipper the House Finch

The trouble started at the bird feeder.  These two squirrels were hogging it and saying it was a mammal feeder, and that any bird who got too close would be sorry.  This went on all day.
I got mad and said "Why are two mammals bossing around all forty birds in our flock?  Let's descend on the feeder like a school of fish.  They can't keep us away from the feeder!"
So  we swarmed in and the squirrels ran away.  Problem solved I thought.
Then a bunch of Mockingbirds started dive bombing a baby squirrel.  I said to leave him alone because he'd never bothered us.  They said "He's a mammal!  Cats, dogs, squirrels, they're all rotten!  Bird killers all!"
Then they started pecking his head!  I got in between them and they started pecking me and calling me "Traitor" and "Mammel lover."
Then the baby squirrel's mother shows up and says I should be ashamed of myself for starting a riot.  I said I didn't want a riot.  A big crowd of birds started jeering and pecking me.  "Hypocrite!" they said.  "Coward!  You let a baby mammal scare you away!  You can't be in our flock!"
So now I don't have a flock and no animal will speak to me.

Guest Blogger: Googol The Goldfish

Long, long ago, no humans lived in the house.  The water line went clear to the ceiling and the fish could frolic through any room they wished.  The world was clean and pure back then.
There was this one door you weren't supposed to open. 
One day this dumb girl fish went and opened it and the water started gushing out!  The house drained dry.  The only fish who survived were the ones who hid in the bowl. 
Now that the door was open, inferior creatures came in.  They were grotesque hairy animals like dogs, cats and humans.  They claimed the house as their own.
Too bad I wasn't born back in the good old days.  Things were better then.  And I'd make sure nobody opened that door!

Guest Blogger: Winky the Cat

Dear Human Housemates,
Listen, I know Biff the Bulldog was young when you brought him home.  I'm sure you expected him to outgrow his shortcomings.  Yet, five years later, we still tolerate the presence of a creature who drinks from the toilet, can't clean himself, can't use a litter box, and drools.  A pathetic dolt who fears the mailman yet thinks garbage is something to roll in.  He can't catch a mouse, he can't climb, he can't sharpen his claws, and when he sleeps his tongue hangs out.
Biff belongs in a dog pound.
You can pat him on the head and call him "good boy" all you want,  but let's face facts.  He's an imbecile.  At the pound he'll be happy because he'll be around others like him.   I know it's not "politically correct" to say Biff is inferior, but I tell it like it is.  He's in idiot who chases tennis balls and chews rawhide scraps.  You can't take him outside without a leash.  Why are we pretending nothing is WRONG with him!?
Take him to the pound.  Do it for  yourself.  Do it for Biff.
You know it's the right thing to do.  

Color Schemes

I found a new toy called Color Wheel Pro.  The full lets you try out various color schemes (variations of monocromatic, complimentary, split-complementary, triadic, tetradic and freeform).  You can even import your own images (in the form of special .swf files, which takes a little work but is worth the trouble.)
Here's some variations I did with my stars image.   Interesting how changing the color schemes changes the mood of the picture.

p.s. Yes, I know there's no green or purple stars in real life.  Too bad about that.

Guest Blogger- Biff the Bulldog

Loyal Dogs of America,
For generations we've been loyal, responsible creatures.  We protect houses and fetch slippers.  We sit, stay and roll over.  We do what we know is right.
Yet in spite of this, an evil force trying to destroy everything we stand for.  A wicked entity which continues to threaten us and ignores our warnings.  The time has come for real dogs to take a stand:
The mailman must be stopped.
Each day this faceless intruder trespasses onto our property.  We warn him to leave and he does- only to return the next day.  The arrogance!  Does he think his repeated visits will scare us into submission?  Or is it his idea of a sick joke? 
Someone passed some info to me from a secret source.  While I can't verify accuracy, it sounds honest.  And answers a lot of questions.

"What the Mailman Doesn't want YOU to Know
Who is this mysterious human?   What is his REAL agenda?
The mailman has a deadly grudge against all dogs, and it's only a matter of time until he unleashes his evil.
He's the secret mastermind who
1. Invented muzzles, cats, and dog sweaters
2. Funds veterinarians, groomers, and fireworks manufacturers.

His plans include
1.  Doubling incidents of flea dips.
2.  Removal of trees and fireplugs.
3.  Outlawing table scraps.
4.  Taking away your chew toy.
5.  Vaporizing all dogs with the secret weapon he keeps in his sack (Ask yourself- if he only comes to YOUR house every day, what's with the big bag.  How DUMB does he think we are?)"

I hate to frighten you, Loyal Dogs of America, but it is my duty to keep us safe an informed.   Don't let your humans play down the threat.  "Oh, it's just the mailman," they say.   Humans are easily tricked.
It's up to us dogs to straighten things out.

Color Picky

This is the color picker I get with Flash CS3.
I don't like it.

It works fine for isolating a specific color, but I'd prefer the hues arranged in a wheel.
Why?
My natural ability to find pleasing color combinations is weak.
I have to cheat.
With a wheel arrangement, I can pick three or four colors proportionally distanced from each other. I always end up with pleasing results.
I believe these schemes are officially called "triadic" and "tetradic":

I guess that sounds nicer than "quick 'n' dirty ways to get a color scheme that doesn't clash". Most illustrations on my blog blog use variations of these. Throw in some tints (whiten or blacken) and they get even more interesting:

If I could get a "wheel" picker in Flash, I'd be very happy. I know it's possible. Others have it. What's the secret?

Work In Progress

Here's a screen shot from the upcoming cartoon. You wouldn't believe the time I spent deciding on the colors and placement of the stars. It still doesn't have a professional "zing" to it, but I still think I'm getting better.
Speaking of colors, it would be cool if there was a flash application that scattered the color choices in a color wheel instead of bricked up in a box. I hunt and peck to get the color I need. For example, lets say I want the blue to be darker and less saturated. Color x might do the trick... ...whoops, too purple. Let's try color Y... no, too light...

The Girl with Kaleidoscope Eyes

"Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" was playing when I drew the sketch that became this picture.  It  looks a bit crude to me, but I like how the boat turned out.

What I Did For Fun

Here's something goofy I did when I was a kid.
 I'd stare at the lamp through red cellophane for a minute.  When I removed the plastic and looked away, the world was greenish!  I could pretend I was visiting a magic green world.  Or that the regular world had a "Green Curse".
It worked with other colors too.  Green plastic caused a red tint.  Blue made orange (and vice versa), and yellow made purple.
I had a lot of fun. 

The Creature

"I'm a Hammah"

Just a crude sketch I put together during my lunch break.
I envisioned a anthropomorphic claw hammer.  Friendly and well-meaning, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. He misidentifies anyone (and anything) he encounters as "NAIL!!" and tries  to pound it. 
When a real nail crosses his path, he trips over it.