100 Most Beautiful

**click image to enlarge
I see People Magazine released their 100 Most Beautiful People issue.
I didn't read it because:

1. I didn't make the list.
2. The people who did make the list have nothing to do with me.

Seriously, why would I want to read details about a bunch of celebrities in a "aren't they wonderful!?" context? Get out of here. They probably wouldn't make eye contact with me if I met them on the street.
I've seen issues like that before. They usually toss in a few toads to show how deep they are. As if to say "Yeppers, this three eyed, toothless leper has made our beauty list because she rescued baby seals. We see her inner beauty. Aren't we profound? (Okay, enough of this inner beauty crap! Turn the page for more gods and goddesses!)"

Why is this Cow Laughing?

Their cheese is bon et bel. Their mascot is tres terrifiant.
Imagine you're enjoying an alpine meadow. Maniacal laughter erupts behind you. Turning around, you see a devil-red, floating cow head.
She looks deranged. Like she's ready to stomp your head and chew your brain for cud. Or watching you in a meat grinder. Perhaps you're slowly being lowered to drown in a vat of special sauce? Whatever she's up to, it's trouble
Or maybe it's not her fault.
In Victor Hugo's Le homme que rit, the protagonist always grins thanks to some wacko surgury his handlers subjected him to as a baby. Maybe the cow had the same operation. A nuetral expression-ectomy. That way the farmer doesn't feel bad about branding her or zapping her with a prod because she always looks happy. Either that or he wanted to scare the neighbors.

Bumper Stickers

I don't understand bumper stickers. Who cares where I've been, who my alma mater is, what I ♥ or whom I voted for. Some are funny, but it's the automotive equivalent of wearing the same funny T-shirt day after day. The joke gets old.
I really don't understand the political and controversial ones. Who changes their mind on an issue because of a bumper sticker? Who thinks, Hmmm, that's a swell slogan. I guess I was wrong all along? If anything, someone who disagrees with my sticker will think I'm a fool, a jerk, perhaps a fascist. If he happens upon my message in a parking lot he may feel morally obligated to slash my tires.
Then again, a bad joke or a tacky banner from a radio station might elicit damage too.
This chart sums up how bumper stickers appear to their target audience.
You have been warned.

Creepy Childhood Icons

Everyone remembers characters who scared them when they were kids. They come in two categories. We have the outright terrifying: Clowns. Flying "Wizard of Oz" Monkeys. The mall Easter Bunny with his evil grin. Then there's the vaguely disturbing ones. The crude puppets. The local kiddie show hosts. Frankenberry. They didn't give you nightmares, but as an adult you looked back and wondered- Who thought that would appeal to kids!?
Here's my personal list:
1.The Hamburgler
Someone McDonald's ad man had to be freebasing special sauce to come up this one. A rat nosed runt with a bad tie who says "robble robble". Robble Robble!? What's wrong with him? His shtick is his burger fetish- he steals them. Then Ronald McDonald makes him give them back. Like anyone wants a hamburger after this freak handled it...






2. Lady Elaine Fairchilde

Remember her? She was the hag that from Mister Roger's Neighborhood who lived in the Land of Make Believe. Not to be snotty, but since this is the Land of Make Believe, couldn't someone have make believed something less hideous? What's the black stuff on her nose and cheeks? Frostbite? Leprosy? Oh well, her nose is too big anyway...

Click here for another blogger's detailed take on this disturbing character.




3 Anthropomorphic Trees
The Wizard of Oz had them. McDonaldland commercials had them. Bark encrusted giants with gnarled features and twiggy arms. When I was three I didn't care how many McDonald's Hot Apple Pies were on them. They scared the sap out of me. My dad tried to calm me by claiming that the trees were really bunny rabbits dressed up as trees. This too was disturbing. What kind of twisted bunny rabbit dresses up like a tree and scares little kids? I wondered.

4. Roy "Mooskateer" Williams
I couldn't figure him out. The original Mickey Mouse Club had singing and dancing kids... and this old guy, Roy. He looked mean. Like a cranky neighbor who'd bark at you when you chased a ball onto his lawn. He claimed Walt Disney put him on the show because he was "fat and funny looking". Fat and scary looking is more like it. I sincerely believe the Mousekateer role call bit was, in fact, a head count to make sure he hadn't bitten off any heads.





5. The School House Rock Adjective Slayer

This crude Peppermint Patty knock off had a backpack of adjectives... and murderous streak. "Girls who are tall get taller! Boys who are small, get smaller", she sings, growing tall while a nearby boy shrinks to mouse proportions, "Till one is the tallest, and one is the smallest off all," she adds. Then she steps on him. With forethought and malice, she crushes the kid with her 1970's sandled foot. The animator thoughtfully has the word "STOMP!" pop up in sync with the evil deed in to clarify the boy's fate.

Chicken Soup for Everyone but the Chicken Lover

Sentimental stuff annoys me. It sends me running from the room screaming. Lifetime original movies, the Hallmark Channel and sensitive piano music makes my skin crawl as if someone dumped a bucket of cold butterscotch on my head.
Yet, I kinda like the Chicken Soup for the Soul books. O.K., a few of the stories read more like Internet glurge than anything credible. Otherwise, the books are fun. Each story has the protagonist being dealt an atrocious hand, yet they pull through. I'm a sucker for an underdog story if the underdog wins.
I went to the book store yesterday.
I couldn't believe how many niches have a Chicken Soup book aimed at them. Chicken Soup for the Dog Lover's Soul, the Scrapbooker's Soul, the African American Woman's Soul, the Fisherman's Soul, the Country Soul, the Single Parent's Soul, The Ocean Lover's Soul, the Christian Teenager's Soul, and yes, there's Chicken Soup for the Prisoner's Soul, the Shopper's Soul, even the NASCAR soul. Chicken Soup for everyone but the Chicken Lover.
They know how to market their stuff.

Not only that, on their website they even sell Chicken Soup for the Soul nutritional supplements and diet shakes (none of which are chicken flavored). Do the For Dummies and Complete Idiot's Guide series sell vitamins and meal replacement drinks?
How many more niches will they target? I have three suggestions:



Don't expect to see these ones at the local Barnes & Noble anytime soon.

Holiday Songs that Annoy Me

It's not even December yet but the holiday songs are back. I welcomed them as a kid, when they signaled egg nog, presents and (best of all) two weeks away from school. As an adult, after hearing them 12 million times, I have determined that some of them have to go. Here's my top five over-rated, over-played and over-annoying Christmas songs:

1. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

Every one snubs poor Rudolph until they can cash in his nasal highbeam. What if his snout burns out? I'll bet they'll drop him like a fruitcake brick. What the hell is wrong with his nose anyway? Nothing that antibiotics couldn't clear up, I bet.
Bonus points for the "like a light bulb" version.

2. The Little Drummer Boy

Slow, and boring, Rum pa pum pum
Sounds like Tourette's syndrome Pa rum pa pum
Talks like yoda he Pa rum pa pum pum
Drives crazy me Pa rum pa pum pum, rum pa pum pum, rum pa pum pum

3. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire (any version not by Nat "King" Cole)

Actually titled "The Christmas Song", it's the Star Spangled Banner of Christmas songs: each performer tries to add their own special "look at me!" touch. Like raising "know" an octave so the line becomes "If reindeer really KNOOOOOOOOW how to fly" Each new version of this makes me appreciate earwax build up as never before.
Special bonus points to versions where "Merry Kwanza" is added to the "Merry Christmas to you".

4. Twelve Days of Christmas

Not sure why this bugs me, but it does. Maybe because it's overplayed. Or because it's repetitious. Or because the presents suck. Good luck regifting those Six Geese a-laying. Note some gifts (eight maids a-milking, for example) are human beings. What's going on here? Slavery!? Are they being shipped in from the third world? Or is this just some temp thing to support them through college? I don't get it.

5. Silent Night

I feel a little guilty about picking on this one, as it's an old classic without Red-Nosed-Reindeers, Partridges in Pear trees or "aw, isn't that cute! The little boy is playing his drum for baby Jesus" issues. Here's the problems:

1. It's played over and over and over and over-
2. -usually in loud bustling retail outlets that are anything but silent, calm or holy
3. It's played over and over and over
4. Artists like to do a Chestnut Job on this one too
5. It's played over and over
6. The English lyrics are sappy. "Holy Infant so tender and mild". Tender? Mild? Huh? That's how you describe a Christmas Turkey, not a baby. Maybe it makes more sense in German.
   

Amazing Sea-Honkeys!

I had a jar of Sea-Monkeys when I was a kid. I went all out, buying them a Banana Flavored dessert (we all know how aquatic animals dig bananas) and a bag of plastic "diamonds" for them to play with.
I'm probably the only person in the world who thinks the little google eyed guys are way cuter in real life than the cartoon sea martians used to promote them.

Look at them. What's on their chests? Scales? Hair? Multiple Breasts?
I looked up their history and learned some dirt the guy who invented them.

In the late 1950s Harold Nathan Braunhut came up with the idea of selling brine shrimp kits marketed to kids. He played up on the "instant pets" angle since their eggs can be dried for years yet still hatch when returned to water. A few years later he renamed them Sea-Monkeys and the 2oth century had a new icon.

Here's where it gets weird. According to the Anti-Defamation League, Braunhut was a member of the Aryan Nations and the Ku Klux Klan. Holy makeral! The man who spawned Sea Monkeys was some racist loon in a sheet? Another childhood icon tarnished!

I don't know how involved Braunhut was involved with the adds and packaging, but it is interesting that both the human family and the Sea-Monkey family are white.
The only Sea-Monkey with hair is a blonde. Hmmm.


The cartoon made me wonder: Were all Sea-Monkeys white? Or was this a segregated bowl? Who the hell did these Sea-Monkeys think they were, anyway!?
What if the Sea-Monkey charecters were in fact the secret racial ideal of a kook caucasian breeding plan? Tall, slender, blonde, with a modest pink blush, these creatures also have super powers, like coming to life instantly and breathing underwater. Plus according to the picture they can build a mean castle.
With that in mind, I reworked the add into a mock propaganda piece.
The multi-breasted caucasian of tomorrow:


There's more dirt. According to Wikipedia (and assuming nobody is screwing with me), Harold "KKK" Braunhutwas born and raised Jewish. Huh? Now I'm really confused.

Tail o' The Jetsons.

Hanna Barbera's The Jetsons is like Brad Pitt or Paris Hilton. Nice to look at, but annoying to listen to and dumb as a vacuum tube. OK, the "Eep Op Orp Ah-ah" song was kinda catchy. Astro is cute, but everything else blows plastic.


Maybe I'm bitter that it's the 21st century and there's no flying cars. My car doesn't fold up into a little suitcase either. I know George Jetson's car can. I've seen the opening credits.
Here's what I want to know. In the Jetson universe, what happens if the car malfunctions and collapses with George still inside? Does he yell "Jane! Stop this crazy- aaaaaah!" Is he crunched into a pulp? If someone finds it on the street and hits the resize button? Is cartoon blood dripping inside the windshield? Do his bones clatter out onto the moving sidewalk? Does Daughter Judy and Jane, His Wife dig through the carnage for Daddy's wallet so they can go shopping? Does Astro say "Ruh Roh, Rorge!" and do his trademark giggle?
There's an episode I'd like to see.