Tell it to the Plant (Baloney Cubed)

I don't know how these catalogs find me.
This one offored "Holistic" courses and workshops. In my experience, when you see a word like "holistic", you're going to see a lot of half-baked sillyness nearby.
Sure enough, for a few hundred bucks you can take classes on "talking to the spirits", alleged past lives, and general mind-body voodoo.
Including this workshop:
"Tree Whispering^TM
Coming from the plant's point of view"
Plant's point of view? Huh? Do trees get embarrassed when their leaves turn red and fall out? Does the Chrismas tree feel sad when he's shown the curb? Do weeds feel persecuted? I'll bet bonsai have issues.
"Come from the plant's point of view by expanding our heart-oriented perception to feel tree growth energy and experience connection with nature's life force."
Tree growth energy? What are they talking about? I thought trees got their energy by converting sunlight energy to glucose. Silly me.
"Brief lessons in 'new' sciences and ancient wisdom..."
This sounds like the same crowd that thinks afixing an "ologist" to their idea makes it scientifically valid. Ancient Wisdom? Isn't that a positive spin on "folklore?"
The discription continues:
"lay the foundation for mediditive and sensory excercise that activate or validate our mutual collaboration with trees..."
I think this is fancy talk for :"we'll do stuff to help us appreciate trees." Maybe the inflated language helps justify the $280 price tag.
Curious as to what "mutual collaboration with trees " entailed, I looked them up on the web.
This is an actual quote from their web page:
"You’ll feel the Life Force energy of plants and know them as powerful, complex (yes, even intelligent) living beings."
Intelligent? Gosh on a platter, I thought you needed, maybe, A BRAIN for that?

I think I'll pass on this course, but I might contact them to see if they'd let my cactus audit it.

p.s. For those curious on why people think plants can think, read your mind, and tap dance when you're not looking-- and why it's a load of fertilizer, click here.

Catalog Fun: PenguinDunk-o-matic

Not enough cluttter on the counter? Egg timer too boring? Making tea to complicated for you?
You need the Penguin Dunk-o-matic. For a mere 29.99, your problems are solved.
As they put it:

Tea too strong? Too weak? Problem solved. Our nattily attired tea penguin always brews the perfect cup.

Set the timer for your ideal brew time (from 1 minute up to 20) and he lowers the teabag into the water. When the time is up, he lifts it out. Couldn't be simpler or more fun.

How did anyone ever make a cup of tea before this thing was invented? Note the top hat and the bow tie. Are you supposed to pretend you're High Society? Check me out! I'm drinking tea! Served by a butler. But I'm Sophisticated High Society so I have a robot butler.
Here's the part i don't get: If you realy need this to make your tea, how on earth did you get the water boiling?

Catalog fun: Chimp-O-Matic

I think I have the Skymall catalog figured out. They put their catalog on airplanes because the air is thinner. Minds get addled. People think think buying bizarre crap is a good idea. My proof?
For 99.95 bucks, you can have your very own Chimp-0-Matic.
It seems to be a Furby encased in a plastic ape head. Touch it and it shrieks. When you get bored touching it you can make it scream by remote control. I suppose this could be fun if you're into chimp torture: "Still won't talk, Bonzo? Maybe 1000 volts will loosen your tongue"
The pitch mentions "state-of-the-art robotic technology". I wouldn't be so smug. Even Big Mouth Billy Bass knows a few songs. All Chimp-0-Matic can do is screech.
His eyes follow you. That's not cool, that's scary. A shreiking, hairy, wrinkled, yellow-toothed doll that keeps looking at me? I'd pay 99.95 for someone to haul it away.

Chimp-0-matic is described like so:

"So real, it's unreal! The amazing "Alive" Chimpanzee is a life-size, lifelike product..."

Lifelike? Does it smell like a chimp? Attract ticks? Does it fling manure? Will it bite off half my face when the battery gets low?
Maybe they should change the marketing angle.

Parents: Are YOUR children "out of control?" Are they driving you "crazy?" Now you can get them to "behave." Just put Chimp-0-Matic on the table and tell them he's "watching" them. Say he'll go for the "throat" and rip their "jugular" should they act up. A handy remote control is "included" to "promote" "his" "lifelike" "appearance"...

Catalog Fun: Breakfast for Idiots

Do YOU have any trouble with the cereal box? Is it hard to open? Is the cereal-to-bowl process a daunting one? If so, for eighty bucks you can get a "Breakfix" cereal dispenser that will fill your bowl for you.
Yes, it's a complex concept, so the website has a video showing the Breakfix in action, filling bowl after bowl to the amazement of "the whole family".
Check out the teenage oaf who tells us "I really want some cereal but I only have one hand!" Don't look for a very special hook. He means he has books in his other hand and doesn't know how to put them down. Then he does an Archimedes gesture and uses the Breakfix.
I'm confused. Now that he has his cereal, both hands are full. How's he gonna eat it? Someone get this kid a feedbag.
Note- Since this first was posted Consumer Reports featured this sucker (or something similar) in their magazine under the "selling it" section. They pointed out that if portion control is important, one could use a small bowl...

Ted Bundy Lives?

Lock your doors! The psychopath lives!
Sure they said Ted Bundy got his evil ass fried in an electric chair 17 years ago, but I have startling proof that, like Elvis, Jim Morrison, Bruce Lee and John Wilkes Booth , this rascal faked his own death and is still with us.
My proof? Compare this famous photo of Crazy Ted with the pic of the man on the Flowbee haircut gizmo package:



It's him, I tell you. Same "I'm better than you" smirk and everything. He's probably contemplating some diabolical scheme as he trims his own hair "at a fraction of the cost" of a professional cut. Probably just as well he cuts his hair this way- would you trust him with scissors?
The FBI won't return my calls. Maybe they're still annoyed at me over my persistant "Don't believe the hype: The 1970s never happened" emails.
:P