Dear Friend

Most of my mail isn't mine. At least 3/4 of it is junk for former occupants. One of them, "Joe Smith", gets official stuff too. I spend more time writing "please forward or return" on his mail than I do writing my bills. Either Joe is in jail, in hiding, or in the ground.
A glossy card for Joe caught my eye. The mailbox equivalent of a pop up window.
"Dear Friend," it says.
Yeah right. Anyone who calls you that via mass produced, mass mailed cards is not your friend. More original than "Dear Valued Customer". Still, "Friend?" I don't get it. Even your enemy will take the time to write a personal note to attach to the rock he sends through your window.
I suppose when "Dear Friend" gets old it'll be "Dear Best Friend", or "My Darling".
Who was Joe's ersatz friend? What does he want?
Why, it's Philip Morris, hawking Marlboros and Virginia Slims.
One never knows, but there is a chance that Joe is missing their "special offers" because previous special offers helped do him in. Some friend.
I don't know what happened to Joe. Still, I wonder how many people who lost a spouse to smoking got this card?
"You're still eligible to receive special offers so keep an eye on your mailbox for the future," it says, I don't know which is more ironic- "still eligible" or "the future". Tacky!

B.S. 2600

"Order a bottle today!" the radio blurb says, "B.S. 2600 helps you lose weight and feel great. Feel the burn. B.S. 2600 is used by athletes and models!"

Let me dissect this.

"B.S. 2600..."

Twenty years ago this would be called something like VitaWow, Fit'n'Trim or MiracleSlim. Cute names. Not B.S. 2600. It has that scientific, medicinal ring to it. I'm supposed to think Sounds like serious stuff. It must really work!

"...helps you lose weight and feel great..."

Please tell me someone wasn't payed to come up with that line.

"...Feel the burn..."

Or that line.
Where, exactly do people who take this elixir feel this burn? (I'm not sure I want to know.)

"...B.S. 2600 is used by athletes and models!"

Oh, athletes and models. People well known for their intelligence, discretion and judgement. People who also happened to be fit and trim long before B.S. 2600 came along.

I don't think I'll "order now" any time soon.

Capri or Not Capri, that is the Donredo

Near my parnents' house is The Capri Apartments.

But the sign on the building says it's actually the Onred Apartments.

Closer inspection suggests it's the Donred. Or the Donredo. The Doicredo?
You have to love the nerve of whoever's running the property.
Don't bother to fix or remove the crumbling signage. Just plop sign in front saying it's The Capri. Problem solved.
Do they solve interior problems the same way?
Are rooms adorned with signs or plaques like:
"The furnace that works". "The toilet that flushes".

If the sign gimmick works on humans, perhaps we should put it to use in the animal kingdom.
I'm thinking of upgrading my roach motels:

Breakfast for Bowser

I did a double take at the supermarket. Was this a dream? A joke?
No, it was true.
In the 21st century we haven't figured out the flying car but we have invented breakfast cereal for your dog.

You don't want Astro to have ordinary dog food for breakfast.
Note that these come in cereal boxes and are flavored.
"Chompions" is (with the bulldog) is bacon and eggs.

"Chewa-Bunga" is mixed berry flavor. What kind of dog eats mixed berries? When I see wild dogs hunting on T.V. they're eating mixed mammals. Did they expect Spot's owner might pour a bowl for himself and flavored it accordingly? Will adding milk or water yield a hearty fruity gravy? I don't get it.

If Fido (or you) don't like Mixed Berry, the "Breakfast Squares" variety is peanut butter flavor. We all know how wolves and coyotes raid the peanut patch to unearth, shell and process peanuts.
If Spot doesn't like peanut butter and berries, there are other varieties including Multi Grain and Apple Granola. Apple Granola? What kind of sissy dog eats Granola? You start feeding Lassie this and she'll demand sparkling water with a garnish.
I suppose the people flavor thing has something to do with the fact that it's people who buy the food. Doggie friendly flavors like "Smelly Old Shoe", "Look what I found in the Trash" and "Cat" probably wouldn't sell.