"What's with this Anti-Bullying Nonsense?"

Guest Blogger:   Harman Throttlefolk

It happened last Friday.   At the George Washington Middle School cafetorium.  As I plunged my fork into my chili cheese fries,  I saw him.   Ned Smith, dorktard extraordinaire.  There he was, with his thick glasses, pimply skin, skinny neck,  carrying his stupid cafeteria tray and looking all stupid.  Something about him screamed   Beat me!  Beat the crap out of me!
Some instincts you don't ignore.
So I swagger up to him, call him a #@Iing @&$!! and knock the tray out of his hands.  Chili, green beans jello and plastic hit the floor.  Then I shove Ned down into it and pour my Pepsi on his head.  Everyone's watching now.  Some cheer!  It's like the gladiator games and I'm victorious.  Ned hobbles to his feet as soda drips from him. He won't even look me in the eye, and he's scraping the food off his shirt and I go "Next time watch where you're going, you !@#(!"  Everyone laughs.
Then Fat-Ass Monitor Lady sends me to the principals office.  Now I have to have lunch in the stupid office for the next too weeks because "bullying will not be tolerated.*"
What's with all this anti-bullying nonsense?  Why should I accept some runtiod geek as my peer?  How come he's tolerated and I'm not?  I don't get why we're supposed to embrace the dorktard lifestyle.   It's well known that wimpy, nerdy kids are more lonely and prone to depression.  I'm doing the him a favor by encouraging him to lose his wussyness.     And my reward?  I get into trouble!  It's hypocrisy I tell you.   If this keeps up, America will be crawling with weirdos.  And people like me, who stand up for what's right, will be locked up. 
Chilling.

*Well, there is a threshold of bullying that they tolerate just fine.  I was singled out because my victory left too much evidence.  Some bullies work around the system by being more subtle, or doing $#!+ like wedgies and swirlies that the geekbastard won't report because he's too ashamed that his dorkatude lead him to that fate.  But if us bullies compromise, what next?  Will we then lose our rights to more subtle putdownmanship?  Will we be prohibited from whispering "#@&&*+!" and "#^(&head" when a spazoid walks by?  Will the proud tradition of  "After school I'm gonna pound you!" fade into history?

"Road Rage is Righeous"

Guest blogger: Rex Honkscreech
Everyone gives me crap about my driving.  Like if some jerk cuts me off, they think I'm not supposed to cut him off.  Are you freaking kidding me!?  What kind of message am I sending if I don't cut the bastard off?.  It's like saying "That's okay, go ahead cut me off.  I won't retaliate.  Why don't you cut me off again?"  I tell ya, it's like they want me to go all World War II French or something. Sorry.  This one man army rolls over for nobody.  Cut me off, and it's for damn sure I'll cut you off!
People say I'm nuts when I drive off course to follow some jerk and give him the finger.  They're all "What's wrong with you?  Why are you so childish?"
Well, let me introduce you to something called "principles."    You can't let people get away with stuff.  You got stand up for yourself.  When someone makes me mad on the road, he's earned my angry glare and special bird flip.
 Then my wuss friends give me the "but that's dangerous!" speech.  It's a shame how people let fear push them into Wimpyland.  Thank goodness our founding fathers weren't afraid of a little danger.  George Washington and all the other guys didn't go "Oh, we can't get England mad at us!  We might hurt their feelings!  There might be shots fired"
Too bad they didn't live long enough to enjoy driving.  Can't you just see Thomas Jefferson side swiping some idiot who didn't get out of his way?  Or John Adams running some dope off the road?   I bet Benjamin Franklin himself  would invent a special horn that went "F@$% you!".  And he wouldn't be afraid to use it!

Slow Parking Lot Walkers

Maybe you're swinging by the store to pick up some bread. Or picking up dry cleaning. Or meeting a friend for lunch. There's plenty of parking, yet your path is blocked by Slow Parking Lot Walkers.
I'm not talking about someone who's slow because he has a bad knee.  I mean the average parking lot walker who strolls (or waddles) in front of your car, without looking.
C'mon, I think, Let's go! 
I have two conflicting theories about them:

1. They are evil, selfish boors who think they're more important than anyone else.
2. Since they're approaching the store, they're preoccupied with what they need there (Okay, I need a can of coffee, burger buns, Sloppy Joe Mix...) and  what's going to happen when they get home (...when the food's simmering I can pay the bills and go over the checkbook etc...).  They don't notice there's a problem.

My second theory is the most likely. My evidence?
Once I park my car (after wishing childishly hateful things on the Slow Parking Lot Walkers,) I think things like Did I forget anything on the shopping list? Should I get fresh butter? Do I have enough soda? Do I want to cook dinner or just pop something in the microwave- shoot- gotta check my online statement to make sure... as I stroll to the store, slowly, not watching where I'm going.


 

21st Century Bragging

People who brag annoy me. I'm not sure what's more irritating:

1. A lecture on how special they are.
2.The fact that they think I'll be impressed by this.

Recently I've noticed a new form of bragging that makes typical braggers seem as modest as dust. This species doesn't brag about how wonderful he is. He brags about how wonderful he plans to be!
You've probably heard from him. He's the guy who still lives with his parents who brags about how much money he'll earn in the future. He's the out of shape slug who tells people how much weight he's going to lose. He (sometimes she) is the hack who won't shut up about the bestselling book (or blockbuster movie) he'll write someday.
I don't have a problem with someone stating that they'd like to accomplish something. It's the person who acts as if stating their plan is as impressive as accomplishing it.
And since he (or she) has announced their plan, they think this gives them the right to criticize others who have accomplished something. For example, the "I'm going to write bestselling fiction" is quick to tell you how his yet-to-be-started novel will be way better than the "crap" that's selling now. He'll tell you why too. Yes sir, he's so smart that he doesn't need to write to be an expert on writing. Are you impressed yet?

Ever Met this Person?

Ever met this person? He or she is forever eating junk, yet claiming it's healthy.

Pack of Fruit Licorice: "It's made with real 100% real fruit!* And it's fat free!"

Taco Salad (including a greasy shell and a pound of cheese): "I eat light. I'm having a salad."

Battered Fried Chicken: "Chicken is leaner than beef. I eat healthy."

Croissant, Jumbo Bagel or any Oversized Sandwich Roll: "I'm gettin' my grains."

Baked Potato (with cheese, sour cream, butter, bacon): "I'm gettin' my veggies. And gettin' my calcium from the sour cream)"

Three Slices of Thick Crust Pizza (with pepperoni, peppers and olives): "I'm gettin' my grains with the crust, my calcium with the cheese, my protein with the meat, and my veggies with the peppers. It's a perfect food."

Plate of Nachos: "Another perfect food!"

Large Frozen Yogurt (with Oreo sprinkles and caramel sauce): "I eat healthy snacks"

Starbucks Double Caramel Latte (with whipped cream): "Just a cup of coffee for me!"


This goes along with my theory that anyone who's constantly insisting "I'm doing [this virtuous thing]" is doing the opposite.

*Probably someone puts a few drops of 100% real fruit in the candy vat now and then

The Spigot and the Damage Done

Click pics for larger versions
At a recent social gathering...



Thanks a lot, Leaky Spigot.

Lying

Ever chat with someone and suddenly realize...
...they're lying?

Customer Service

The plan was to spend my vacation sipping tea and watching finches and jays.
I bought bird feeder. Online. It came equipped with a squirrel deterrent that zapped them with a mild shock. Except the shocker didn't work. I switched batteries, reread the instructions, tinkered and swore. No shock.
I called customer service. That, like the feeder, didn't work.
For clarity I'll rewrite the conversation as if the item in question was a blender.

Namowal: The SuperBlend2000 isn't working. I flip the switch and the blades don't move

Next Available Service Representative: Did you plug it in?

Namowal: Yes

Next Available Service Representative: Did you turn it on?

Namowal: Yes

Next Available Service Representative: Did you charge the battery for twelve hours? Did you extend the antenna?

Namowal: It doesn't come with a battery charger or an antenna.

Next Available Service Representative: Did you chop a cup of strawberries in it?

Namowal: Of course not. The blades don't move. The moter doesn't run.

Next Available Service Representative: Try chopping up a cup of strawberries.

Namowal: That won't work. The blades don't move.

Next Available Service Representative: Maybe it looks like they don't move but if you threw some strawberries in there they'd blend up into a smoothie...

Why I didn't get snippy with her (or start screaming) I'll never know.
I do know that I have an expensive appliance that doesn't work from a company that insults my intelligence when I complain.
The new plan is to spend my vacation sipping tea and watching squirrels

Octopus Crackers

About 12 years ago, an octopus at a local aquarium created a flap.
Her name, Octavia
"She shouldn't confined to a tank!,"animal rights protesters said. "Octopuses are sensitive, intelligent, compassionate creatures! Free Octavia!"
Octopuses are intelligent- at least enough to solve problems and get into mischief. But I have a hard time buying the concept of an octopus tapping his tentacles and contemplating his imprisonment. If anything, they like to snuggle up in a secure nook when they're not hunting. Compassionate? Get outta here. They eat each other.
At the height of the controversy, Octavia pulled the plug on her tank. It happened at night, so there was nobody around to stop the drainage. When the aquarium reopened the next morning, it was too late. She was octopus jerky.
The activists blamed the aquarium, suggesting that the creature did this on purpose to end her tragic life.
They held a candlelight vigil in her honor.
People are nuts.

Drop Dead Cute

Cute people annoy me. By "cute" I mean anyone who gets away with horrifying crap because they're adorable.
This starts out in school. There was always at least one kid who suckered the teacher into thinking thet were bright when, in fact, they were just cute. He or she was rarely punished for bad behavior or poor work. The teach gave the bastard a pass because how could such a darling creature really be dumb or naughty?
The rest of us toads had to hustle to do well in school and stay out of trouble. The cute people glide through school and then life, giggling and mooching off people who can't get enough of them.
Cute offenses include:

• Getting out of work by pretending to be too dumb to know how to do it (and acting impressed with the skills of the sucker that does it for them.)
• Rationalizing atrocious deeds as innocent mistakes or worse, examples of how funny-crazy-cute they are.
  
• Saying "cute" things that, if said by anyone else, would label them a jackass.
• Baby talk.
  
• Prima Donna histrionics that would get us mere mortals shunned, arrested or institutionalized
• Suddenly being your best buddy when they need money
• Gossip
  
• Murder

You think I'm kidding about murder? Ted Bundy played it cute all the way to the electric chair. His friends (and up to a point, his victims) thought he was the nicest guy ever. So funny, so charming. Meanwhile he's on a murder spree that would freak out Jack the Ripper. Mr Cute sometimes kept their severed heads as trophies.
Okay, I suppose your typical cute person isn't killing people. They're smarter than that. Why kill someone when it's so much easier to fleece them? A dead guy won't help you move, get you a job, give you a place to stay, or lend you fifty bucks.

Note- Yeah, yeah, I know it's considered uncool to use the Comic Sans typeface in the speech balloons. This says "I'm an amateur , I'm not very original, and I'm too ignorant to realize what a lackluster typeface this is." Then again, I'm not getting paid for this and few people read it. I'm considering getting buying custom typeface software to look a bit more savvy. Then again, when you put a designer sweater on a dog, it's still a dog.