Guest Blogger: Harman Throttlefolk
It happened last Friday. At the George Washington Middle School cafetorium. As I plunged my fork into my chili cheese fries, I saw him. Ned Smith, dorktard extraordinaire. There he was, with his thick glasses, pimply skin, skinny neck, carrying his stupid cafeteria tray and looking all stupid. Something about him screamed Beat me! Beat the crap out of me!
Some instincts you don't ignore.
So I swagger up to him, call him a #@Iing @&$!! and knock the tray out of his hands. Chili, green beans jello and plastic hit the floor. Then I shove Ned down into it and pour my Pepsi on his head. Everyone's watching now. Some cheer! It's like the gladiator games and I'm victorious. Ned hobbles to his feet as soda drips from him. He won't even look me in the eye, and he's scraping the food off his shirt and I go "Next time watch where you're going, you !@#(!" Everyone laughs.
Then Fat-Ass Monitor Lady sends me to the principals office. Now I have to have lunch in the stupid office for the next too weeks because "bullying will not be tolerated.*"
What's with all this anti-bullying nonsense? Why should I accept some runtiod geek as my peer? How come he's tolerated and I'm not? I don't get why we're supposed to embrace the dorktard lifestyle. It's well known that wimpy, nerdy kids are more lonely and prone to depression. I'm doing the him a favor by encouraging him to lose his wussyness. And my reward? I get into trouble! It's hypocrisy I tell you. If this keeps up, America will be crawling with weirdos. And people like me, who stand up for what's right, will be locked up.
*Well, there is a threshold of bullying that they tolerate just fine. I was singled out because my victory left too much evidence. Some bullies work around the system by being more subtle, or doing $#!+ like wedgies and swirlies that the geekbastard won't report because he's too ashamed that his dorkatude lead him to that fate. But if us bullies compromise, what next? Will we then lose our rights to more subtle putdownmanship? Will we be prohibited from whispering "#@&&*+!" and "#^(&head" when a spazoid walks by? Will the proud tradition of "After school I'm gonna pound you!" fade into history?