Monday, November 29, 2010

YOU Can Be a Crab!

Do you dislike people?  Want to annoy, irritate and intimidate them?
Maybe you should consider being a crab.
It doesn't matter if you work in the public sector...

Or the  private...

You can be a crab anywhere! 
Here are some tips to get you started.
Each day, concentrate on the following:
  1. How stupid everyone is.
  2. How rotten your life is, thanks to all the stupid people.
Adjust your posture and facial expressions accordingly.
When someone asks you a question,  respond with...

...the "I can't believe someone could be as dumb as you" look:

Follow quickly with...
...the "Your stupidity disgusts me"  glare.

Remember, stay surly. Make  sure everyone  knows how difficult they're making your life!
Practice saying the following:
"Move!  You're in the way."
"What d'ya want?"
"Can I help you?"  (Said in a "I know you're wasting my time" tone")
"You did it wrong."
"We're outta [insert commodity here] so don't ask for it!"
"What're you  looking at?!"
And never forget the all time classic:
 Try to work in a put-upon "Your Welcome" before anyone thanks you.

And if someone ever says, "I hope it's not too much trouble," be sure to respond with an icy
"It is."

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Five Anomalies from the Universe of Television Commercials.

Television Commercials take place in an alternate universe.  Things are different there:
Brand names pepper the conversations.  Small talk is devoted to detergent, soap, and what to clean the floor with.  Junk food triggers parties and dancing.    Soda is slurped down in one swig, followed by ah "ahhh!" 
Here are some other things I've noticed:

1. Shaving is Fun!
  Check out their expressions the next time you see an add for razors or shaving cream.  There's no concentrating, no strategic  head tilts or expressions,  just a sensual reaction as the  blade glides down the cheek.  What's going on?  Is it dipped in opium or something?

2. Toilet Paper is for Squishing up to Your Face Because it's Oh-so-soft.

Gals don't shave their faces, but that's okay because they have "bathroom tissue" to snuggle.  It appears to have a calming effect, especially if it's "quilted" or matches the tile.

3. Diapers are for Hobbyists who Like to Pour Blue Liquid onto Absorbent Surfaces.
The Commercial  Universe is rife with this practice (compulsion?  fetish?)  Blue liquid gets soaked up by diapers, mops, sponges,  paper towels and ShamWows.  Sometimes  the material is squeezed for more Blue Liquid Action.  

4. Moms Think it's Cute when Their Kid Makes a Mess.
Aw look!  Junior tracked in mud, got ketchup on his shirt and just knocked over the grape juice.  Isn't he the sweetest thing?
I await the invertible insurance  commercial where Mom marvels at how adorable Junior is as he burns down the house.

5.  Kiddie Cereal is Spiked with Hallucinogens.
When I eat cereal, nothing happens.  When kids from the  Commercial Universe eat cereal, pictures on the box start  moving.  Then they fly up  to the kid and start  talking to him.  Some kids even get sucked into a vortex of swirling fruit, chocolate or whatever flavor the cereal represents.
Sure, there having fun now, but I don't envy them. By the time they're twenty their brains will be so fried that they think Blue Liquid Action is a swell way to spend the afternoon.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Omi Project: Gato Neko

Here's my contribution to the Omi Project.
Here's how it works- you buy the plastic figure, decorate it any way you wish, and send it in to be part of the display.
I picked a look that's 40% Japanese Daruma Doll 50% Mexican Folk art  and 10% Louis Wain. 

I found it tricky because I'm used to digital artwork (where's the undo button?) and my hand has never been that steady.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Stair Crossed

 I usually forced myself up the steps to the sixth floor, but I'd given blood the night before.  The instruction sheet said "no exercise for the next 24 hours"   Maybe you should take the elevator...?
Nah, I thought.  They mean real exercise like running laps.  Don't be a wimp.  Take the steps.
Soon I had second thoughts. This was hard!  I was dizzy and out of breath.
If the stairs could talk, they'd have said:

The elevator was starting to sound like a great idea.
Oh no you don't! I thought.  You always wuss out when things get tough.  Keep going!
I slowly pulled myself up the steps.  If this were a fight, the steps were winning, and rubbing it in. 

For someone who didn't want to be a wimp, I was sure looking like one.


 Sometimes the truth is to lame to tell.