Monday, November 29, 2010

YOU Can Be a Crab!

Do you dislike people?  Want to annoy, irritate and intimidate them?
Maybe you should consider being a crab.
It doesn't matter if you work in the public sector...

Or the  private...

You can be a crab anywhere! 
Here are some tips to get you started.
Each day, concentrate on the following:
  1. How stupid everyone is.
  2. How rotten your life is, thanks to all the stupid people.
Adjust your posture and facial expressions accordingly.
When someone asks you a question,  respond with...

...the "I can't believe someone could be as dumb as you" look:

Follow quickly with...
...the "Your stupidity disgusts me"  glare.

Remember, stay surly. Make  sure everyone  knows how difficult they're making your life!
Practice saying the following:
"Move!  You're in the way."
"What d'ya want?"
"Can I help you?"  (Said in a "I know you're wasting my time" tone")
"You did it wrong."
"We're outta [insert commodity here] so don't ask for it!"
"What're you  looking at?!"
And never forget the all time classic:
 Try to work in a put-upon "Your Welcome" before anyone thanks you.

And if someone ever says, "I hope it's not too much trouble," be sure to respond with an icy
"It is."


Linda said...

The "Your stupidity disgusts me" glare is my favorite.

When you're drawing faces/expressions, do you find yourself making the face you're trying to draw? I do!!!

Namowal said...

Glad you liked it. I've been a recipient of that glare a few times.

Yes, sometimes I catch myself making those faces. It also helped that I was listening to "The Threepenny Opera"- -which is filled will ornery songs- when I drew these.

Pile Girl said...

Being a crab is probably healthier than feeling crabby and surly while acting cheerful and perky. This time of year I am SO glad I don't work retail anymore.

Namowal said...

Pile Girl,
I remember my retail days well- -having to stay calm and friendly even when the customer was hostile (or downright insane!). It isn't easy, is it?

Mike Healy said...

This post is great, especially in the upcoming holiday-shopping days. We can be sure we'll be seeing a lot of that for weeks to come. The facial expressions are spot-on (are some of these people the business owners? Yikes!).

I think Lenny Bruce had the all-time classic, talking about asking for a glass of water as a kid, and being told: "No, the water's broken!".

Namowal said...

I suppose it 'tis the Season to be Surly for crabs.
I've never heard the "No. The water's broken" bit, but I can readily imagine an ill-tempered adult responding that way to a kid.

GhostBuild said...

Ick, yes, crappy service from a crabby person. Oh what spice such a personality can bring to an otherwise dull day. NOT.

Wow... did you meet someone recently that served as a muse for this topic?

Namowal said...

Hi Ghostbuild,
The crabs were a composite of many from memory. I was actually working on some other pictures (at my lunch break) when a friend swung by to complain about getting the crab treatment from a nearby shop... ...which reminded me of similar crabs. Pretty soon I was drawing the crab squad!