Friday, December 15, 2006

Catalog fun: Chimp-O-Matic



I think I have the Skymall catalog figured out. They put their catalog on airplanes because the air is thinner. Minds get addled. People think think buying bizarre crap is a good idea. My proof?
For 99.95 bucks, you can have your very own Chimp-0-Matic.
It seems to be a Furby encased in a plastic ape head. Touch it and it shrieks. When you get bored touching it you can make it scream by remote control. I suppose this could be fun if you're into chimp torture: "Still won't talk, Bonzo? Maybe 1000 volts will loosen your tongue"
The pitch mentions "state-of-the-art robotic technology". I wouldn't be so smug. Even Big Mouth Billy Bass knows a few songs. All Chimp-0-Matic can do is screech.
His eyes follow you. That's not cool, that's scary. A shreiking, hairy, wrinkled, yellow-toothed doll that keeps looking at me? I'd pay 99.95 for someone to haul it away.

Chimp-0-matic is described like so:

"So real, it's unreal! The amazing "Alive" Chimpanzee is a life-size, lifelike product..."

Lifelike? Does it smell like a chimp? Attract ticks? Does it fling manure? Will it bite off half my face when the battery gets low?
Maybe they should change the marketing angle.

Parents: Are YOUR children "out of control?" Are they driving you "crazy?" Now you can get them to "behave." Just put Chimp-0-Matic on the table and tell them he's "watching" them. Say he'll go for the "throat" and rip their "jugular" should they act up. A handy remote control is "included" to "promote" "his" "lifelike" "appearance"...

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

They should sell an optional version that's painted like a clown, and with red glowy LED eyes. That oughta keep the kids in line!

karen said...

you are outdoing yourself daily.