1. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Every one snubs poor Rudolph until they can cash in his nasal highbeam. What if his snout burns out? I'll bet they'll drop him like a fruitcake brick. What the hell is wrong with his nose anyway? Nothing that antibiotics couldn't clear up, I bet.
Bonus points for the "like a light bulb" version.
2. The Little Drummer Boy
Slow, and boring, Rum pa pum pum
Sounds like Tourette's syndrome Pa rum pa pum
Talks like yoda he Pa rum pa pum pum
Drives crazy me Pa rum pa pum pum, rum pa pum pum, rum pa pum pum
3. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire (any version not by Nat "King" Cole)
Actually titled "The Christmas Song", it's the Star Spangled Banner of Christmas songs: each performer tries to add their own special "look at me!" touch. Like raising "know" an octave so the line becomes "If reindeer really KNOOOOOOOOW how to fly" Each new version of this makes me appreciate earwax build up as never before.4. Twelve Days of Christmas
Special bonus points to versions where "Merry Kwanza" is added to the "Merry Christmas to you".
Not sure why this bugs me, but it does. Maybe because it's overplayed. Or because it's repetitious. Or because the presents suck. Good luck regifting those Six Geese a-laying. Note some gifts (eight maids a-milking, for example) are human beings. What's going on here? Slavery!? Are they being shipped in from the third world? Or is this just some temp thing to support them through college? I don't get it.
5. Silent Night
I feel a little guilty about picking on this one, as it's an old classic without Red-Nosed-Reindeers, Partridges in Pear trees or "aw, isn't that cute! The little boy is playing his drum for baby Jesus" issues. Here's the problems:
- It's played over and over and over and over-
- -usually in loud bustling retail outlets that are anything but silent, calm or holy
- It's played over and over and over
- Artists like to do a Chestnut Job on this one too
- It's played over and over
- The English lyrics are sappy. "Holy Infant so tender and mild". Tender? Mild? Huh? That's how you describe a Christmas Turkey, not a baby. Maybe it makes more sense in German.