Jupiter: "My Fellow Planets are Idiots":

Guest Blogger: Jupiter
I really hate my neighbors.  How'd I end up  with such losers?
Take Mercury:  Hopped up little bastard.   He's always racing round and knocking stuff over.
Then there's Venus.  She's always trying to outshine everyone.  "Did you know there's a song about me?" she says.  "Did you know there's a goddess named after me?"  I shut her up by pointing out there's a category of diseases named after her too.
Then Earth- yechh.  He's  infested with spores and creatures.   A real slob. How dirty is he?  His creatures have actually spread to his moon!.  There's a giant leap for you.  Also, he's wet, clammy, and always tracks in mud.  
Next comes Mars.  Where do I begin?   At parties he gets drunk, pulls up his shirt and points to Mariner Valley and goes "Let me tell ya how I got this!"  His story keeps changing:  "It's an asteroid impact!" he says, then next time it's  "from a knife fight me and Phobos had in the Oort Cloud!"  Sure, Mars, sure.
I think it's a stretch mark.
And there's that tramp, Saturn.  You went real subtle with those rings, honey!   Real classy.
Uranus and Neptune?   Two boring clouds of "duh".
There used to be Pluto.
He was a stupid little pebble.  He'd fly all  about going "Wheee!  I am planet!  Me planet!!"    Planet? That  idiot couldn't achieve a circular orbit in a flushing toilet.
 I'm glad they put him away.
The Sun says I have an "attitude problem" and should "lighten up."  (He thinks he's really clever when he uses the expression "lighten up," as if it's a inside joke that I'm too dumb detect. )  He also tells us  "I'm proud of ALL of you," in a way that makes it sound like he's really, really  deep and enlightened because he's able to detect how special everyone is.  Dolt.  If I were him I'd book the whole solar system on Jerry Springer.  If you hang out with idiots, you may as well get paid for it.